Words

The support system

2011-06-06T19:47:00.002+05:30

I don't know where to start, I don't know who to blame, who to curse! I just know that to blame somebody, curse somebody. I want to find the person or god or whoever came up with the idea of stupid support system. Apparently, you need a close set of people around you to survive. Most commonly, your support system consists of your closest set of people - your family, the person you love may be, may be a few friends.

How much you need your support system depends on you, and the situation you are in. A few people, the saints, don't even need a support system. They can pretty much survive on their own. The rest do need a support system, but to a varying extent. It depends on how much you allow yourself to be dependent on it. The catch, however is, once you start depending on your support system, you are pretty much screwed. It's extremely difficult to decouple.

The second factor is situation. The better the situation you are in, or the happier you are, the lesser you need your support system. Not sure if that's entirely true - you need someone to share your joy with. But what I am sure of is, when you are not in a great situation, when you are not particularly happy about things, you need your support system the most.

Now, sometimes, your support system fails. Well, they are human right? Like everyone else in this world, they have the right to sometimes behave a little selfish or self involved. Or may be, they too have the right to get involved in their own stuff, and stop caring as much about you.

The worst that can happen to you is, when you are going through a not-so-good phase, and your support system fails. That's the toughest situation you can be in. It's like holding your breathe, simply because you can't breathe. It's then that you find yourself completely helpless. All you can do at that point of time is, hope for things to resolve themselves. So that you can start breathing again, before you end up killing yourself!

So, that's my point right.. why the hell should you need a support system? No, don't blame yourself. Because your stupid creator created this stupid thing inside you. As a human, it's normal for you to seek out a support system. It's something that you are entitled to, it's something that you deserve.

All the best breathing!

Four months hence..

2010-11-07T19:48:00.003+05:30

Four months have passed since I joined my job, four more since I have bid adieu to student life, probably forever. The last four months I have spent making desperate attempts to adjust in a new city, to bring myself to terms with the concept of working for a living. I have spent over 20 years of my life struggling to reach exactly where I am today. I have fulfilled (well, probably) every target, every goal I had set for myself so far. And yet, when I look back at the last four months, I find things as messed up as my thoughts are right now!

Why, what happened - I ask myself. Its been four months, and I am still struggling, not with loads of work, but with life itself. It seems like I was in a small pond till yesterday, and today suddenly, I am in this deep wide ocean. Its expanse, its depth, its restlessness is fearsome! The waves break my confidence, and then the next ones break the pieces into even smaller ones. I miss my confidence. When I think over my days in school, and more recently college, I realise that I have never felt so insecure. These days, I don't need a reason to feel bad, I just do! These days, I feel odd when I wake up, whenever it may be! I try hard to keep myself as busy as possible, with work or otherwise (I have traveled 3 out of the last 4 weekends), just so that I don't face myself. Because I don't like myself anymore!

This insecurity, this weirdness has obviously taken a toll on everything I do. While this almost ruined something valuable, its in the process of ruining another. The former, I could save, I don't know if I will be able to save this one. I know that I need to take a step back, think logically and try to identify what's going wrong. I have done that, and I could not find anything that's wrong. Probably I need company, probably I need to stop pitying myself, probably I need to grow up!

But whatever needs to be done, needs to be done fast! I can not let this stupid thing ruin my personal or professional life. All through till this day, I have really worked hard for what I have today, and I can not let a stupid kiddish phase ruin everything for me.

I Will Always Remember...

2009-12-16T08:48:00.014+05:30

In the last term of MBA down here in Joka, everything around me seems to be testifying the fact that I have barely three months more to go here. Three more months of my college life, three more months of being a student, three more months of "life" at the most awesome b-school campus. Now that this stint is drawing to a close, I am supposed to write in 100 words what I will most remember of the last two years here. I thought about it, only to realize that 100 words is painfully insufficient!

So what will I remember of the last two years here? I will remember the fact that I had the best group of friends here. I will always be proud of the fact that I was a member of a group that didn't follow the herd and be content with criticizing the system, but took up responsibilities themselves and fought their best to set things right. This is essence instilled a similar spirit in me, which probably explains the three official PORs that I had held in Joka, apart from stuff that doesn't appear in one's CV. I will always remember living Gandhi's quote - "Be the change you want to see in the world."

I will always remember the fun, the parties and the great times we had. I will remember the nights on the water tank where we would discuss even the most obscure of topics, anything from Pluto to Communism! I will remember the countless trips to South City and Park Street and even to random places like China Town and New Market. I will remember the gelatos and the swirls, the Zingers and well, more Zingers, and of course, the movies at Fame! I will remember the bargaining with cab drivers while returning to Joka, and the one night when we actually walked some 12 odd kilometers back from South City at the middle of the night. I will remember how, both the years, we organised the first party with exchange students (even before the official one!).

I will remember the campus parties - the two fresher parties the most of them all. In the first one, I partied till sunrise, and woke up at 10 the next morning, only to realize that I was supposed to leave for home by 8! I will remember freaking out at the 17 odd missed calls from maa, and another 8-9 from Dad! I will remember how we partied till sunrise in the second fresher party (for the junior batch), and then went to the gate to have coconut water at 5 in the morning!

Will I remember the class hours? Well, probably not so much, but definitely a few incidents. The first one being the Behavioral Science project in the first term, where our group analyzed the movie Gandhi. The dynamics of the sort that the group had - I never got that in any other group project here! I will also remember the Marketing Management-II presentation on ethics in marketing, the heated debate where I ended up blurting out to a fellow classmate "what you are saying is essentially globe!" in the presence of a Prof! I will remember the law presentation in my fifth term, where I was barely prepared, and ended up just reading out the slides.

I will definitely remember being a student representative, and being the head of the Internet Solutions Group here! I will remember the General Body Meetings. I will remember organizing the convocation for our seniors. I will remember the lunch with the Board of Governors, and the Chief Guest - Mr. KV Kamath, the then Chairman and MD of ICICI Bank. I will remember the PGP Committee meetings, the course registrations and the open house! I will remember getting scared at the magnitude of problems and issues facing me on some of the days!

The list is endless, I could go on and on citing specific instances, each and every one of which had so much of learning in them, and each and every one of which would rightfully deserve a mention in the 100 odd words I have! But then, the bottom-line remains the fact that its just three more months, three more months of all these, of college life! God knows what kind of turn life would take after this. I can only hope it to be good!

Some Thoughts

2009-10-19T13:37:00.007+05:30

Disclaimer: The following are entirely my perspective based on some of my own experiences. As a matter of fact, in most of the cases, I was caught on the wrong side of things! They may or may not be acceptable to every one. The author does not intend to hurt the sentiments of any of the readers.

1. Sometimes, we remain so engrossed in trying to define something, we just accept any definition we can lay our hands on; often without a second thought that the source, after all, is human, and thus may be wrong! In some cases, we are left wondering how much that wrong judgement cost us, while in others we fail to realise that we were actually wrong!

2. Sometimes, everything seems to go wrong, all at once! Probably, the worst of it all is, when your entire support system seems to fail; when the people you fall back on, well, don't seem yours anymore; when you can't count on those closest to you. This is probably when people turn to their "Gods", or more appropriately, the divine.

3. Zodiacs don't work for me. I tried following my zodiac predictions from various sources for the past couple of months. Out of every 100 odd predictions, less than 10 hold would hold true. I found the lunar cycle a much better predictor for human behaviour.

4. During an actual natural calamity, even the best of trainings seem to fail. I realised this a few days back when, during an earthquake a few days back, 6 of us - all MBA students, ran out to a hanging balcony on the third floor. The best strategy would have been to hide under a table!

5. A little knowledge is more dangerous than its thought to be. In fact, it probably can even kill people. And no, little knowledge is not the same as bounded rationality. While bounded rationality is a genuine limitation of the human mind, little knowledge is just the immediate resort of the lazy!

6. Old perceptions, misconceptions and stereotypes die hard. In fact, they don't die at all. Even today, for quite a few people living in the big metros of India, things like inter caste marriage, divorce and second marriages are a taboo. For some, even love marriages are no different. Similarly, old loyalties hardly change. Those who claim to have switched loyalties mostly pretend!

7. Not everything in life is a balance sheet. You don't always need to balance both sides. In fact, it is this attempt of making the left and right sides equal that has caused much of the suffering in this world. But then again, for those who had spent a better part of their life matching the red and the blue, it is very difficult to change!

8. You can't just run slower because "Life is a marble race". It's true that if you drop the marble, you don't win even after coming first. But then again, in your attempt to save the marble, if someone finishes before you, you end up looking like the same old idiot. Then nobody listens to stuff like "I could've run faster, but I was saving my marble!". The world is cruel, and your relations are nothing "out of the world", the earlier you understand that, the better for you.

9. Dawn and dusk are probably the best parts of the day (unless you are really into starry, moonlight nights - which I am, by the way). Just love it when the darkness gives away to light, or when the light is eaten up by yet another patch of the dark. Makes me wish I was a poet. But I generally miss both these moments, either thanks to my sleep or to my class schedule. Now that I have the "Marble Race Theory", I can probably skip a class or two to watch the sunset!

10. People don't change, they never do! If you feel somebody around you has changed, then you failed to understand him/her in the first place, or they are just pretending!

The Mumbai Diaries

2009-07-02T10:14:00.005+05:30

Slot 0 summers, slot 0 summers – over!

The result – no PPO, i.e. by the unofficial standards – failed.

It’s a different question whether that no PPO was a product of my poor performance in the internship, or was it just the company that is in no mood to hire right now. It really doesn’t matter at the end of the day, because when some of my friends, some of my batch mates would be taking life by its horns with a PPO in their hand, I would have to sit in my room, studying, preparing for the finals, building CV points!

As I approach the end of my internship, life starts to look like a journey without a destination. The first few months of my IIM life was all about securing a good summer internship. The next few months went by looking forward to the coveted slot 0 internship that I bagged. During my internship, my first few weeks were spent looking forward to, apart from the internship itself, my return to Joka, to its carefree life. Now the internship is about to last just two weeks more. The return date to Joka has started looking more real. The internship chapter of my life is about to draw its conclusion.

I always knew this company does not give a PPO. I knew that right from the time I got selected. But that never struck me as a reality. Now, it seems to be looking into my eyes. The depressed market, the traditional absence of high paying finance companies from the final placements, my not-so-great CGPA (unlikely to become the so-great CGPA by the time of placements) make this feeling even worse. Would I land up with a good job? Would it pay me well? Would it me in a company and area of my interest? I don’t know, and I am really not optimistic about it.

It’s not just the job, it’s my entire life. What is your aim in life? I don’t know, I have never thought about it. In the rush of competitive exams and never ending milestones, I have never planned my life beyond a year. Now that I hardly have any more competitive exams to take, and with only a few milestones ahead, this thought has started bothering me again. What should I do with my life? Should I just take a job, and then hop to a better one, then to an even better one and so on? What is my dream job? What is my priority sector? (Not because it is “hot” and “glamorous”, but because I like it). What is my long term goal in life? Is it job? Or is it something else like academia or entrepreneurship?

I don’t know what has happened to me. I don’t know why I am thinking about all these things all of a sudden. May be because of the realization that I have already avoided these questions as much as I could, may be because now these questions demand an answer. I wish I could at least have a clue how to solve these riddles. But I have none. For the first time in my life, I find myself helpless. For the first time in my life, I have got nothing. I am broke!

At the other side of the year...

2009-03-05T21:04:00.003+05:30

What date was it? 16th of June? or was it 17th? No, it was 16th, I am sure. The day I arrived at Joka. Yet another campus, yet another degree, yet another platform for battle. I remember, on that day my mind kept on drifting back to the past, my days in school, my days in college, my first day away from home, amidst total strangers. This is what I wrote in my journal that night:-

Today, on my first evening at the IIM campus, or at "Joka" as it is popularly known, memories flash by infront of my eyes. Memories of struggles. The sight of a kid sitting in a rented room in the rural Purulia. The image of that kid sweating in the scorching summer in power cut, but still studying. The memories of the kid getting nightmares of failures and jeers. And now that kid is sitting on another table and writing this.

So far, all I have learnt is, life is fair, irrespective of what people might say. People get exactly what they deserve - no more, no less. Those who work hard and still fail to succeed do so probably because they dont think well, or strategise hard.

Now, at the end of my first year in IIMC, I am more of a manager. I have seen a lot of difficult times in these months, times that have tested me, stretched me beyond my limits, leaving me to discover that they were not my limits after all. I have made new friends, I have learnt new ways to live life. Never in this last one year did I want all this to end, not once. Not even on days when I got no sleep for over 60 hours, not even on days when half the batch criticised my decisions as a student representative. I could find a learning in each and every situation this place put me through, and this explains how much of a value add this place has been to me.

Tonight is practically the last night for our batch as freshers. Yes, there are official deadlines, but then, not all things can be defined in an academic calendar!

Friday Night ...

2008-12-27T00:44:00.005+05:30

As I lay on the roof on a chilly winter night, gazing at the lone star in the foggy sky, I thought about the last week and what it had taught me! The last week has been particularly interesting in my 6 month long stay in Joka. I had learnt some valuable lessons on both the positive and negative sides of human beings.

As of now, I hold two portfolios in my college - a member of the students council, and the head of ISG (the cyber group). ISG, from the very first day, has been an wonderful experience for me. ISG has given me something that I had always wanted - a chance to use my programming skills for the benefit of others. Now that I am the head, I have the opportunity to lead a group of very motivated people. Everyone in the college agrees that ISG is the most active group on campus!

I saw the negative side as a member of the Students council. I saw how dirty fights can get between people, I saw how people can bury their ethics in the graveyard of practicality. I saw how matters apparently personal become so big for people! At one point in time, I really wanted to quit. I would rather sit in my room, jobless, than handling all these!

But thats the fun with college. It exposes you to all kinds of challenges. It makes you ready for the world. It shows you a prototype of your life, something that you would lead for the next 40 or 50 or 60 years! So, as I lay up on the roof, watching the lone star, I thanked it for giving me this opportunity, this learning, this exposure. Friday night, huh !!

डरपोक हो तुम

2008-11-29T21:50:00.004+05:30

सच का सामना करने से बचते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

बस निर्दोष पे वार करते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

सामने आते नेही, छुप छुप के निशाना लगाते हो
कहते हो शेर का, पर चूहे का दिल रखते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

ग़लत करके भी ख़ुद पे गर्व करते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

इंसानियत को शर्मिन्दा करते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

अपनो से पूछो वे क्या सोचते हैं तुम्हारे बारे में
यही सोचते हैं, की बहुत डरपोक हो तुम

- Courtesy: Radio Mirchi

I let it go - again !!

2008-11-16T11:08:00.002+05:30

I don't know whether I should praise myself for cracking a day 0 offer (the most coveted thing in my college), or whether I should criticize myself for once again going with the herd and neglecting what I really wanted.

What did I want? Well, for over the last five years, I have wanted to be associated with the software industry, be it in the form of an engineer or a manager. And I have always found an excuse for denying myself that demand of mine. Be it because of a bearish IT industry or be it because of yet better options - each time I came close to fulfilling my dream, I have only moved farther away.

Lots of people in my college would probably kill for the offer that I have got, and that is my sole consolation, sole defence. But in doing so, I have missed probably my last chance to follow my dream. As of now, I am "successful" in worldly terms, but still my heart denies that accolade !!

The Last Chance

2008-10-26T01:34:00.004+05:30

June 2004: JEE results are just out. I am thinking of choosing Kharagpur. But I am stuck at what stream to choose. With my rank, Computer Science and Electronics are the popular options. I kind of love programming and have exhibited my skills a lot of times. But is that enough to take up Computer Science? Specially with the failure of IT companies and reducing demand for IT and Computer engineers making news almost everyday for the last few years? No, it's too big a risk. Rather, let me take up Electronics. I might not like it, but atleast it is secure.

The Result: Barely an year later, I am trying to convince my dad that I am better suited for computer science and I should apply for a department change. Permission denied - You made the choice, no more changes!

8th December 2007, 3:30 a.m: I have received an offer from Adobe, one of the best computer companies in the world. So finally, I can do something I like. This is it, I won't even attend the IIM interviews if I crack CAT.

8th January 2008, 10 p.m: A friend - "Dude, you should totally go for the IIM interviews. Not everyone cracks CAT, and you can't let this go".

My Dad - "Are you out of your mind? Who misses an IIM interview? Think of your career growth, security, prospects. It is totally your decision, but I think you should attend."

1st May 2008, 9:30 am: I have cracked IIMC interview. It sounds perfect, IIT-IIM, closer home, the best fin campus in the country, the IIM boasting of best placements last year, but what about my interest? My wingie - "you are mad! who rejects an IIM offer!"

1st June 2008: It's final. I have once more decided to overrule my interest for the "greater good". I have rejected my Adobe offer (today was supposed to be my joining) and am heading for IIMC. Cheers!

Today, 26th October 2008: Less than two weeks left for summers. I have a decision to make. Do I want to run behind the high paying I banks and Consultancies in Slot 0, or do I finally rectify my mistake and choose a profile from "less glamorous" companies like Yahoo or Microsoft? Do I, yet another time, run behind the best prospect? Or do I finally stand up for what I like and join something of my interest? I have a decision to make. And this is my last chance!

Adieu kgp...

2008-05-28T23:23:00.003+05:30

Time flies when you are having fun...

In the Orientation on the very first day at Netaji Auditorium, somebody said, "today you might not realize, but when the day dons for you to walk out of this institute, you will feel bad". I really did not realize that day, but I sure did not differ. I am glad I did not.

With less than a little more than thirty hours left in kgp, when I write this, I feel a strange kind of attraction with this place. There has been a lot of moments, when I thought that being an IIT, this institute could really incorporate some changes in this field or that. I have passed through days when the work load has been so high, or situations have been so against me that I felt like jumping off my balcony. There has been classes more painful than perhaps crucification, exams more deadly than devil, or grades wildly dissatisfying.

In spite of all this, today, as I stand at the brink of what can be safely termed as an era, I feel sad. I feel sad to be leaving this place. In two days time, KGP will become history for me, would go down the galleries along with Purulia, my school and my classmates. Still it seems like yesterday that I walked in the campus for the first time with my father. Still it seems like yesterday that I met Bayen, Sougata, Sonal, Arijit, Siddhartha, VD, Sausi - the list continues. All those memories of treats, of night outs, of chats and gossips, of mischiefs seem so fresh. But as of today, all I know is, someday I will probably come back to kgp again, or perhaps I won't. The worst part is - all these people who have been kind of my family all these years - meeting them would have to be left to "chance".

I would not belabor about what IIT has given me, for it can't be expressed in words. I came in as a boy, and the day after tomorrow, I will walk out as a man, a Graduate. I have seen failure as I have seen success, I have seen sorrow as I have seen joy, I have seen betrayal as I have seen loyalty. IIT has made me ready for the world. I am confident and equipped as I have never been before.

Its late night, and I do feel sleepy. But I don't want to sleep. I want to live these last moments in kgp to the fullest. I want to capture each and every second and want to permanently fix them in my memory, till the day I breathe my last.

The Last few days...

2008-04-17T01:23:00.005+05:30

You have four years to be responsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a papaer due wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Party 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does!

I will miss KGP.

Words..

2008-04-09T23:15:00.003+05:30

I have neer been so overwhelmed in my life. I have never had so many things going on around me. Or rather, I have never been involved in so many things at the same time!

I have been through many tough situations - the nights I spent in the lab my fifth semester trying to optimize a circuit, the hours I spent in the back benches of Prof. RVR's classes trying to design a Time Division Multiplexer, or the days I tried hard to mug up words for GRE even though I had conjunctivitis in both eyes and I was having a really hard time to keep them open.

But none of this was as tough, or as overwhelming as the current days are. I hardly recognize myself nowadays! I am a perfect geek! I spend my time either trying to obtain some results for my dissertation, or implementing some algorithm for a term paper, or worrying about my IIM results. At times, I can hardly breathe.

I sometimes worry, where is this all leading me to? Is this how my life is going to be? Are these days a prototype of my years to come?

God! I hope not!

A Loser's Diary

2008-03-30T07:14:00.005+05:30

Caution: Long Post

Perhaps its natural of human mind to search for a tiny bit of success amidst a huge failure. Perhaps this is what inspired me for this post. Or perhaps, I could accept a defeat well, and had the courage to smile even after such a massive setback. Or may be, this is nothing but an attempt to deny that I am nothing but a loser!

Life has lots of colours, and in its varied facets, teaches a lot! It bestows you with limitless showers of success, sometimes even beyond your wildest expectations. At other times, it just shoots you down so hard that you take a long long time to recover. And so far what I have learnt from life is, it is only through those unexpected moments that you actually gain something, your reactions at those moments reflect who you are, how you are.

The Inter hall bridge tournament was scheduled last Saturday. I rate myself a pretty good player of bridge, at least, in the perspective of the Inter hall. But things did not roll out as they should have. In the very first match, one wrong discard of mine saw us lose three victory points. I felt bad, and thought that I will play well for the rest of the tournament. But hardly did I knew, the worse was yet to come.

In the second match, I messed up two very crucial boards. In the first one, I totally missed out my partners bid of 1 spade, and failed to lead spade in the opponents' No trump contract. A few boards later, a misjudgment on my part saw us lose even more points. After these two boards, I was responsible for my team having lost eight points!

I would never forget the moments after the second match. To know that you are taking the team down, that its you who is responsible for such unfortunate defeat of five other people is perhaps the worst feeling on Earth. My captain trusted me, my team trusted me, my juniors looked up to me with respect, the four hundred odd boarders of the hall put their faith in me, my seniors who taught me bridge expected me to play well. And I was letting them all down. I felt like crap! Its true that bad patches are a part and parcel of a players life. But then, why had it to be today! Why could not it be on the other day, when we played so well and came second in a BBO tournament! I just wished that I would be substituted. I could not take any more of this!

But I was not. I played the third match, did decent, but still we lost due to some mess ups in the other table. The fourth match saw me do some crucial mistakes which once again cost us dearly! And then I was substituted, and I did not play the other two matches.

We came third in the tournament, thanks to the last two matches where I did not play. At the end of the day, I lost my team a Gold, I lost my hall four points in the Sports GC. I was the villain, not that any one was saying that out loud, but then, it was the truth!

Well, not every thing went bad that day. I played the worst in my life - true! I messed up the tournament for everyone - true! I lost my hall some points - true! But then, I had the spirit and the integrity to hang on till the end, to shake the hands of the winners. I had the integrity to go up to the other guys of the team and wish them luck for the rest of the matches. I had the sportsman's spirit!

The captain (no fault of his though) was so frustrated by the end of the third match that he wanted to quit! I convinced him to play through the tournament. I spoke to the other players and tried to motivate them. I spoke to the other substitute and ensured that he did not feel bad for being dropped. Guess these also count. Guess, being a good sportsman, taking the game in the spirit of the game is something life taught me that day. And I am glad that I could pass the test.

So, I guess, this was my tiny little bit of success amidst the big failure!

RDG - The Director !!

2008-03-11T07:13:00.010+05:30

Caution: Very Long Post!

Kharagpur is known for its Inter Hall, both famously and infamously! Famously because of the fighting spirit of each of the participants, the clever innovations and the awesome performances which can only be compared to the professionals. Infamously because of the dirty politics circumscribing almost every event and the fights, big and small, resulting out of the fierce competition among the halls. The Inter Halls sometimes get so fierce that people would not even mind killing their rivals, irrespective of the fact that the concerned may be their batch mates, dep-mates or even best friends.

When I entered as a fresher in my first year, and then in my hall in second year, I would just stare with awe at the Inter Hall performers. Heavily impressed and intimidated by their performances, I became sure of at least one thing, that I might never be able to participate in such an event. Even if I do, I would do well to forget the idea of playing a substantial part in any of them.

But then, college changes people - KGP, as a matter of fact, totally transforms its students. Who would expect the shaky-legged fresher - walking down the roads of the campus with his father, not even confident enough to travel in a train alone - would actually direct an entire play for the Inter Hall event in his final months? But then, this is the beauty of KGP. It does things to you. Things, totally out of your imagination!

Yes, I did direct a play, a Bengali drama. It was called - ekti obastob golpo - an unreal story, a basic comedy with a strong social message and a tragic ending. My knowledge of dramatics, before this, was limited to playing music in the background and acting as a tree in one of the other plays. Also, I was a member of the lights team in my second year, and hence, had a fair idea of the lights. Otherwise, as far as true acting was concerned, I was poorly trained. But then, where there is a will, there is a way.

When the captain summoned me to the rehearsals on the very first day, I was not sure exactly what to do. I knew that I would be playing music in the background again, as I actually did on the day of the play. I also was aware of the fact that being a final year, I would do well to help the captain conduct the whole thing, as we were poorly enriched as far as good actors were concerned. So I went in the common room on the first day, and just sat in a corner and started watching. Before I knew, I was rectifying the diction and the connotations of the actors. I was telling them how to throw the dialogs, in what pace, where to lay stress on, and what should the facial expression be while throwing them.

With me, there was Arnab, another fourth year guy, who was really working hard to ensure that the stepping of the actors and the stage plan was perfect. He was taking care to verify that one actor was not blocking another from view, that three or more actors were not standing in a straight line. He finally did a great job, and our stage movements improved beyond our expectations. Ironically, even this person hardly had a dramatics background. He participated in dramatics and choreography in his second year, and since then, had hardly been in touch. But then, KGP does weird things to you.

Our first setback came when an actor, who was supposed to do the role of the prisoner, had to back out owing to his department fest. Also, another good actor of our hall was down with jaundice. So, even before we started, we were down two! Nevertheless, we found alternates for them, with the captain - Sonal (a guy), taking up the role of the prisoner himself, leaving me and Arnab solely in charge of direction.

For the next few days, we worked hard with the actors. We went on trying to perfect their dialogs, their movements, and more importantly, their off-dialog reactions. We praised them, we criticized them, we even kicked them! KGPians themselves, they rose to the demands of the play and finally mastered their roles, presenting a flawless performance on stage.

Our next setback came a few days later. Initially, we were alloted first day - third slot, a perfect one. But then, one more hall decided to participate, and ours became the first day - fourth slot, the last one for the day. We ran into a mortal danger of the judges falling asleep! More so, we had decided on a acting intensive play, unlike other halls going for set-intensive or light-intensive ones. This meant that one must pay attention in order to understand and feel the play. But then, this situation was not in our hand, and we had nothing to do. A bit demoralized, but still undaunted, we carried on with the preparations.

"Being a Director sucks!!" - was my feeling on the last few days. For four days straight, I had slept for not more than 3-4 hours a day. Either I was at the rehearsals, or I was in my room planning the lights and the music, or I was with Sonal and Arnab discussing scenes and effects. On the penultimate day, we actually decided to type the entire script in Bengali in order to hand them over to the judges, a common practice. That took up another 5-6 hours. Those few days were a real test for tenacity, dedication and leadership skills. Having been through that period, I am now confident of facing any stress interview on Earth!

As the event drew near, I became more and more tensed. For the first time, I was responsible for an event of such a magnitude, involving over 30 people. Every minute of the last two days, someone would come up with a brand new problem - the title page of the judges script was creating some glitches, lights team member was confused was to who he should focus on in particular scene, an actor did not have black shoe, another did not have cotton trousers - and on my end, the soundtracks were still not ready.

It was around 6.30 in the evening on the final day - our play starting from 10.00. The sets were still to be ready. I was giving final touches to the tracks, when somebody noticed (thankfully) that we did not have an introduction for the play. I ran again to the Bengali creative writing captain (Khan) to get a passage ready, and then went to the Bengali elocution captain (Tuhin) and asked him to read it on stage. In the mean time, someone pointed out that(again, thankfully) that we would be needing a red cellophane paper for the lights team. I asked the lights captain, VD, whether he had one. He assured me that he would get one soon enough. Half an hour later, I called him again, only to realize that the secretary could not be located, and so, we still did not have the paper. Finally, the BTDS governor, Suman, saved the day, for he had some in his stock!

Finally when everything was done, the cast assembled in the common room, the lights team ready and even the extras all present, there was still a major glitch. One of the main actors, Shoni, playing the pandit in the play, had gone home early that morning to get some documents, and was still not back! It was 8.00 pm, and we had hardly an hour in hand before we had to proceed to the auditorium. All three of us, me, Arnab and Sonal, was psyched beyond measure. I was pacing up and down in front of the hall, praying that Shoni be back soon. Finally he was back, with around 40 minutes to spare!

Everything done and ready, with all the costumes and sets having received the final touches, with the entire "junta" ready in the common room, there was a last ritual, called "Omkara". In this ritual, the cast sat down in a circle, closed their eyes, and chanted "Om" in an attempt to pacify the disturbed mind before the play. Thereafter, we proceeded to the auditorium, completely ready with the cast, the lights and the sets - something that hardly seemed a possibility even an hour ago.

The final performance was, in a word, Great! It was flawless. The lights was perfect, successfully creating all the effects we desired. The sets were perfect too. Our main act of innovation, the hanging of the prisoner was so immaculately done that everyone present looked at awe. The acting, as I had already mentioned, was also perfect, with the cast performing even better than they did in the rehearsals. At the end, as the lights went off, with the Jailer shouting his last line, "Hang him till death", the whole auditorium burst into applause.

What followed was a massive "tempo-shout" (Kind of like an anthem for each hall), and then the refreshment at JCB Canteen. No ending could have been more perfect.

This was perhaps my most memorable event in the entire KGP life. My first Direction! Leading such a large group, coordinating with the other directors, with the captains, with the actors and lights and music and sets - it was a serious test and an wonderful experience. At this side of the event, I am a more confident person, a better leader and of course, a better Director! And now, I do have a certain experience in Dramatics!!

My Dream

2008-02-03T00:09:00.000+05:30

All my life I had been struggling - struggling to chase targets, struggling to achieve goals, all perhaps as a part of some invisible "dream". I have toiled hard, sometimes sleeping hungry, sometimes not sleeping at all, sometimes working for even hours at a stretch without any rest, just so that I could reach some petty milestone that would lead me to my "dream"!

To be honest, I have never exactly known this dream of mine! But somehow I was sure, it would be something really good. Rather, at some level, I kind of hoped it would be something good, something acceptable, something enviable. The reason of such restrictions being perhaps the fact that the society has certain expectations from you. And take it from me, you would do better to comply with the expectations! All these years, I tried to "design" a "dream" that would satisfy the social "specifications". But then, targets can be designed, goals can be modified, but its really not that easy to manipulate dreams. Perhaps that is why, all these years, my dream would seem so hazy, so blurred to me.

One question, just for the records - is it important that my dream should necessarily involve my career? Frankly speaking, my dream never looked so very clear to me, ever in my life, as it today is. But it hardly has anything to do with my career. Whether I make it to the IIMs, whether I excel in my job or whether I become the first man to land on Mars, it hardly matters. Hardly matters in context of the dream at least. But then again, one big question, the society!

What would people say if I tell them that I want to have a beautiful garden, or I want to lose 20 pounds? I would either be labeled mad or a loser. Apparently, I am supposed to dream big! Like say, becoming the CEO of some xyz company. It is this uncertainty that seems to hold me back. I fear the society, I fear my parents, I fear the people around me, for I am only human. I fear that if I chase a dream not recognized by others, the reactions might be severe.

But then again, the dream seems so very obvious, so very distinct. I have never known my dream this better in my life. How can I ignore it so easily? And believe me, all those alchemist stuff seems to be just "gyan" at this point of time! And to add to my plight, this dream seems so very unfathomable. I mean, I know dreams are supposed to be out of your reach, they are supposed to look impossible, but then you see people realizing their dreams, at least in stories. And more so, I am used to achieving whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. True, they were not my dreams, but then, old habits die hard!

Just hope someday, I would have courage enough to boldly chase My Dream! And hope, it won't be too late by then!

Escapist !!

2008-01-12T16:33:00.000+05:30

During the placement season, a panel asked a guy, "Cite an instance when you had to take a tough decision". The guy replied, "After my 12th, I cleared both IITJEE and ISI. I did not know which institute to join for my graduation". The person was rejected, one of the many possible reasons being the fact that he had cited an instance which could, in no way, be considered a "tough" decision, because all the options in front of him were "good", a win-win situation.

At that point, I mirrored the views of the panel, for a win-win situation can not be a tough decision. There are tougher cases, where you might lose something in each of the alternatives. But something that I did not consider, and perhaps neither did the panel, was the fact that the decision was not just about IIT and ISI. Not just about engineering and statistics. It was much much more. It was about what your parents expect and want from you. It was about standing up to your peers. A person who has spent a large part of his life with his head buried in books was suddenly expected to make the biggest decision in his life, without any heads up, without any previous knowledge, and he was expected to do well in that too. Still, the society says it was not a tough decision, and society is an honorable institution!

Why this change all of a sudden? Well because now I face a similar situation! I have just cleared CAT, one of the toughest entrances in India in the PG level and have got calls for interview from 5 of the 6 IIMs. Also, thanks to my IIT degree, I have secured a lucrative job in Adobe Systems India, one of the world leaders in Software Industry. I have even applied to some universities in US for admission to PhD. Now, I have to decide! What do I do? I am expected to come out with a list of my priorities. And the factors are not simply academic or financial. There are social implications, a lot of them. Some of my relatives are of an opinion that I am too young for a job and must go for higher studies. Others think, I am too old for studies and its high time I started earning something! My mother thinks I should go for a PhD - may be because "Dr. Rahul" sounds cooler than "Rahul". My father thinks I should go to the IIMs. Even if they offer only a diploma and not a degree, they are the best of their kind in India, and an IIM graduate would attract higher compensation than an IIT graduate. Some of my friends think ditching Adobe would be a blasphemy. As a result, I have a Java book open in my PC right now - in order to prepare for Adobe. A few tabs of Firefox stay dedicated to GDPI tips and tricks, while the others are university applications. I even have my Statement of Purpose open, receiving its final touches.

So I know what my parents, relatives and friends want. But something that I fail to understand till date is what I want. While in school, people told me to come to IIT, so I came. In IIT, people asked me to secure a top job, so I did. I saw others giving CAT, and learnt that I should give it too, I did, and I cleared. I was made to understand that I should definitely try for a PhD, as that is what a true engineer would do. So, I am trying that too.

Hence, what I do is not necessarily what I want to do. But what other options do I have? In an attempt to satisfy everyone, I have perhaps left behind my choice years ago. All I want to do now is to run away, far far away from all these madness, these rush, these demands. I want to live a free man, who does not give a damn to what others say and want.

Am I being an Escapist?

Confessions...

2008-01-04T00:13:00.000+05:30

The first time you were walking away from her, and you saw tears in her eyes, you must have thought - oh, give it a break! It was you pestering me all these years, and now, its you who gets to shed the tears? Of all people on Earth, not you!

And then again, the next time, and the time after that, and many more times later, on similar occasions, when you notice the glittering eyes, when you hear the sobs she is trying to suppress so hard, when you see her covering her lips just to stop them from trembling, you think - Seriously! Every time? Grow up, its not the first time any more. And after all, this is what you wanted.

Whenever you hear her complaining about you being more committed to the outer world than to her, whenever you realize that she is hurt by the fact that you don't belong to her anymore, you get even more irritated! Well, you should have thought about it first, now that I have tasted the freedom outside, I am not coming back. And seriously, what is the big deal? You should be happy for me. What you have got is a dream of many.

Well, it is not entirely your fault. For you have not seen yourself laughing for the first time. You have not celebrated the day you sat up straight. You did not note the day when you first stood up clutching something. You did not teach yourself how to walk. You did not make up stories to put yourself to sleep every night. You did not have to bear the pain of scolding the person you love the most. Rather she did all these stuff, she did these for you. She is responsible for what you are today. She made you what you are. She saw you grow, step by step, inch by inch. She knows you the best, perhaps even better than you do. So, if she feels a bit weak to see you leave her, its not entirely her fault either. You can't really blame her, can you?

The Final War...

2007-12-10T15:31:00.001+05:30

Caution: Long Post!

The battle is over. The battle whose beginning lies in the oblivion of my mind, the battle interspersed with many wars, a victory in each giving way to the next. The battle, the last war of which was the largest and deadliest.

In this age of competition, where people are practically running at a breathtaking speed to secure their livelihood, the first concern that a parent faces when a child is born is of his living. They leave out no straws to ensure that the child gets a good job, probably better than theirs' and lead a decent life when he grows up. And the preparation of this fight for livelihood starts at the very beginning, when the mother teaches the child A, B, C, D, or when the father tries to get the child an admission in the best Montessori. Then the wars come along one by one. The war of getting the highest marks in a subject, the war of terminal examinations in school, the war of standing first in class, these wars typically shape up the Childhood of a person and give way to his youth. At the dawn of youth, the person is exposed to something more challenging, the board exams, and then the college entrance tests, for these wars are vital for the battle.

Well, even I fought these stereotype wars. And my battle culminated with one single war, the largest of them all, the placements! In my previous post, I had spoken about placement pretty lightly. Well, I had taken it lightly till then, for I had an impression that for a electronics guy with a fairly good performance record, placements would be a piece of cake. But then, I finally felt some sort of pressure on the night before my first entrance into the arena. For the kgp junta, placements started from 3rd December. For me, it started from 4th, because I was not interested in finance companies or i-banks. On 4th, I applied in nVidia and Cisco Systems and qualified the written test for both. But the interviews were like nightmares. In nVidia, I was an idiot enough not to have solved the rest of the written paper before the interview. And in Cisco, I faltered even when asked the simplest algorithm. nVidia made its intention clear even before the results were out, and Cisco rejected me after first interview, bringing my first day of placement to an early end.

Dejected and demoralized, I took the next day off, i.e. the 5th. There were no core companies and I spent the whole day ramping up digital circuits, object oriented programming and C++. The next day, a confident me took the written test of Mentor Graphics and made it through to the interview. But again, I faltered at the interview, because they asked questions not from C++, but from C, and that too pointers and memory management. Also, my performance in the circuit questions were pathetic. Still, on the 6th night, I waited for the results till the dead of night, only to learn that another company had rejected me. Now, even more demoralized, even more dejected, and in the mortal fear of failing to secure a job at all, I walked back to my room at 3 in the morning to find that the test of SanDisk, is scheduled at 7 a.m!!

I slept for 2 hours, and then madly rushed through the books on analog electronics so that I would at least have a chance in SanDisk. Yet, I failed to clear the written test. Then, the next test scheduled was for Adobe Systems, a core Computer Science company. Initially, before the start of placement season, when I was shortlisting companies, I had included Adobe only half heartedly, not sure whether I would like to pursue a career in Software. But now, I hardly had any doubts in my mind. I appeared in the Adobe test, and am sure, scored full marks in the first two sections and fairly well in the next. Thereafter, I had my lunch and returned to my room at around 1.30 pm, only to learn that Magma Design had scheduled its test at 4 pm. I decided on a quick nap. At 3 pm, a placement representative called me up to inform that I have been shortlisted for Adobe interviews and need to be there by 3.30 pm. Dressing in formals were no more a new thing, and by 3.15, I was at the site. Also, to our great fortune, the Magma written test was postponed to 5 pm. So, I gave my first technical interview in Adobe, which went pretty well, I answered all questions related to algorithms and programming, but faltered in computer architecture. Anyways, I was called for a second interview at 6 pm. So I rushed for the Magma test. Magma was hiring for two profiles, hardware and software. God knows what happened to me, in spite of my hardware background, I appeared for software and qualified. Thereafter, I again rushed back for the second round of Adobe interview, which went like a dream. I never knew I could be this good. Then there was another round, in which I again faltered in architecture. Thereafter, there was a HR round, which went uneventfully.

After Adobe was over, I rushed back to Magma at around 11 p.m. My interview was scheduled originally at 1.30 a.m, but was later rescheduled to 11.30 p.m. The first interview went pretty well, because by this time, I was quite confident in software. I was asked for a second round, in which I answered all the questions asked. Finally, I returned to my room at 1 a.m, only to realize how hungry I am. So I went to cheddis and had some Maggi. At around 2 a.m, I again went to TnP to check the results. The Magma interviews were not yet over, so results were not out. But somebody told me, I was through in Adobe. It was unofficial, but still, unofficial stuff in kgp is more official than anything because of high student participation in the placement machinery. But yet I waited, only to find out, at 3 a.m in the morning, that the battle was finally over, the final war had finally been won! I was placed at Adobe Systems, posted at Noida!

I came back to my room and called home. My mother, worried as to what might have happened to force me call at such odd hours was the first to get the news. She asked me to get some sleep first and celebrate later. The next day, I woke up at 8 in the morning, and met the Adobe officials as is customary. Then, I submitted a declaration in TnP that I actually accept the offer. Thereafter, it was all silent, all lull! Quite contrary to what I have imagined the situation would be after I get placed. Then, I realized, I was standing like a lone winner in a battlefield, while most of the other soldiers were still fighting. And those who had won had already left.

So here is wishing all those soldiers who are fighting the biggest war of their life's largest battle a very best of luck. May you all get placed soon and prosper in your life.

On the eve...

2007-12-03T01:15:00.000+05:30

So this is how it feels to see things materialize in front of you, things that you have once dreamt about, things that at one point of time demanded so much of your thoughts, influenced so much of your decisions, things that you have once lived for, things for which you could even lay down your lives, things that you have eagerly awaited since time immemorial. Yes, finally its placement season in kgp, something that every kgpian await eagerly, something that keeps a kgpian going even in the toughest of the days, be it working for days straight trying to complete an assignment or be it trying to digest the inedible shit in the mess. And today, as I write on the eve of the placement season, it seems as if I can see the dreams, hopes and expectations of a thousand young minds materialize in front of me.

Yes, I am in final year too, and will surely be trying to secure a job for me, preferably with a good salary and work profile. But then, all those dreams, those thoughts, those hopes, I don't seem to be able to find them. With placements around the corner, my sight seems to be fixed on something even further. All of a sudden, something that influenced my life till today, something that forced me to come to IIT, seems to have become meaningless, inconsequent. Three odd years ago, on this very day, I would be sitting in my room, wondering when I would get placed, when I would be able to lead an independent, secured life. Stuff that appeared to be everything that day seems to be hardly of any importance now. For today, I hardly care for jobs. I seem to be more concerned about what would happen to my applications in the universities, whether I would get through CAT, whether I would be able to publish a paper before I leave IIT.

Guess this is life. No body ever seem to be consented with what they have achieved or even with what seems achievable to them. While this sure is a sign of the ever progressing mankind, one can not deny the sense of insecurity, depression and agony this brings along. And when ever you try to stop, to protest, you are silenced by some cheesy quotes from some motivating poetry, stuff like, "rest if you must, but don't you quit"!

Moving on...

2007-11-19T21:44:00.002+05:30

Did you ever have to move on? Were you ever asked to get over somebody or something? Were you ever asked to forget something that in your recent occupied a large portion of your life? Did you ever fail, and in an attempt to recover from that failure and stand up to face the world, try to surgically remove all memories of that particular person or thing from your mind? Well, if your answer to any of these questions is an "yes", then you know what moving on is.

Well, for others, moving on is not that easy as is shown in series and movies. Consider a mild example. You are trying hard to get through an exam. You devote every single minute of every single day of say an year in its preparations. Then, on the final day, something goes wrong. That's when you try to move on, try to forget the failure and regain your motivation, for that's supposedly not the end of the world. Again, this is a very mild example, but even this moving on is not easy.

Consider another case. You like a girl. You have had a crush on her for, say, a long long time. All these years, all these days, that girl formed a large part of your life, influencing things as great as your decisions and your career to as minute as your handwriting! Then, one day, may be in desperation, you let her know your feelings. She responds saying that she has no such feelings for you and asks you to "get over" her. You take a full 24 hours to realize that the part of your life that influenced you to such a great extent for years does not exist any more, and you are left with the task of "moving on". I won't even try to describe the agony, for my knowledge of the language would fail to provide it justice.

But then, one day, you realize you have finally moved on, may be after a few months. And in this few months, you have had a variety of feelings. Sometimes, you have been frustrated at how worthless you are. At other times you felt confident that she was not right for you. Sometimes, you had been insanely angry at her. At other times, you been in love with her so much that you felt you could lay down your life for her. Sometimes, you wished you could be friends, very good friends, in the true spirit of friendship. At other times, you hoped never to see her again.

However, after finally moving on, you reach a stable state. You are neither angry, nor are you in love with her. You don't think yourself as worthless, neither do you think her below your standards. And as for friendship, she would be just like the scores of other friends you have, not your best friends, the "other" ones. Also, as a side effect perhaps, you form this skewed opinion about relations and commitments. All these appears to be bullshit, meaningless, time pass stuff. You don't even seem to remember how you got trapped into this stupid thing yourself. And as of the present day, you pledge to remain single forever, you pledge not to approach another girl professing your "love", you pledge to remain sensible and rational till the end of time.

Happy Diwali KGP

2007-11-10T22:23:00.000+05:30

Students of IIT Kharagpur "celebrate" the festival of lights in a unique way. This day and a whole month leading up to it, they actually "prefer" to work behind the scenes, putting their engineering skills to use. In this process, apart from "enjoying" the preparation for the national festival, Diwali and bonding well with their hall mates, the students present the IIT community with some of the finest works of art, encompassing skill, perseverance, dedication, hard work along with insomnia and a total denunciation of self safety. The whole thing is officially known as illumination and is "lovingly" referred to as illu.

But then, there are this group of people who do not actually seem to support the concept of illumination. They are of an opinion that Diwali is a festival of light for every one. Why then do the poor students have to slave for an entire month just so that the frustrated professors of Kharagpur have something to enjoy on the Diwali evening? And then again, why should these poor people be forced to hide in the dark corners after the diyas are lit? And why on earth should these poor students have to arrange the entire finance for the whole event?

The pro-illu junta, however advocate their cause pretty strongly. Their reasons, whatever they may be, are generally filled with words like spirit, tempo, tradition and unity. However, they seem to blatantly overlook the fact that all the objectives that the costly dinosaur named Illumination achieves can actually be achieved at a much lower cost with much less labour. And needless to say, a very high share of the pro junta are the professors, the ones for whom its actually a win-win situation. Rumors have it that the erstwhile Dean of Student Affairs of the institute had threatened the student community of dire consequences if illu was scrapped. The threats included a total shut down of Spring Fest and Kshitij, the two annual fests organized by students.

Whatever the logic, whatever be the case, one fundamental truth cannot be denied. The students who work hard the entire semester deserve much more than what the present has to offer. Being drenched in oil completely, having suffered burns, having had cuts from the sharp metal wires, injuries from the careless rush, and finally hiding in the dark during the presentation - this is Diwali for IITians. The single most important day of the year, when every one in India wakes up with a smile, the IITians don't, because they never went to sleep for the past few days, some of them have even been working round the clock. The day when every single Indian pamper themselves, relax at home with their loved ones, the IITians work in the fields the entire day, perfecting the past month's work - and the strange faces turned friends in the past few months providing little consolation for being away from home. And lastly, in the evening, when every Indian wears new clothes and enjoy fancy dinner, these poor souls starve.

At the end, to make it even worse, the authorities assign the title of winners and losers to these people. For the lucky few who win, it is a belated Diwali, and for those who lose, it is yet another sleepless night, this one more painful than the last few.

Happy Diwali KGP!!

One day, I met Relation

2007-10-30T23:28:00.000+05:30

And this is what she had to say in her support after being accused
of being the root of grief and suffering.

Hello! you might not know who I am;
One clue - you hate me! Still in dark?
I am the one you accuse as a harbinger of grief
a solicitor of suffering, an advocate of pain.
Its me, I melt faster than snow.

How fake is your heart! how flimsy is your decision!
I fail once and you leave no effort to curse me.
Dont you know, its me who holds the Universe together?
Dont you fancy that I have taught you how to live?
that I have given you a cause to do the same?
that you are you because of me?

Is this justice?
One failure and you throw me away?
How feeble are you,
to overlook the glory of a thousand splendid suns
in the darkness of one cloudy night?

How stupid are you, not to realize
that nights follow days,
and days follow nights - this is nature's law
I am as powerless in front of it, as are you

Yet, you blame me, and alas!
I cant even complain!

The fallen Winter

2007-10-27T01:06:00.002+05:30

I did not complain
the day when my heart failed me
or the day I found myself alone in a sea of people
even the times when I was so burdened by expectations
that I found I could hardly breathe

I did not complain
the winter when others smelt promises in the air
and I found nothing but rejection, guilt and agony
or the spring when every one was falling in love
and I was trying to run away from memories

I did not complain
when I kept deceiving my own self
or the time I restrained myself to painful asceticism
even when words betrayed me
and I felt so overwhelmed by feelings - I wished I could cry

No, I did not complain, object or accuse any one
neither did I claim my share of happiness

Shubho Bijoya

2007-10-22T21:12:00.001+05:30

Its all over. With the dhakis playing their dhaks on their way back to their villages, with the decorators dismantling the gigantic pandals, with the idols floating back to their unknown destination in the Ganges, yet another Durga Puja had come to an end. I remember the first time I went to see the visarjan with my father. When we returned from the immersion ghat, and were headed towards home to start the celebrations of bijaya, we were passing across the para pandal when I noticed a single lamp burning on the dais, the same place where ma durga ruled with her children for the past four days. Ironically, the solitary lamp seemed to be the only entity valid in a place which would hardly have any room to even stand few hours ago. Noticing that, not many bengalis can hold back their tears.

This would happen year after year. This year, I was so busy with my engagements, I hardly had any time to realize it was autumn again. Even after returning home for the festival, I did not seem to feel the charm, the magic, the festive fever. It was as if, "oh ok! yet another Pujo, big deal!". Even during those four days, I went out visiting the pandals with my cousins just for the sake of it. I did enjoy the vacation and rest and everything, but hardly felt anything special. And before I knew, it was dashami again. This time also, we went to the immersion ghat. And then again, while returning, I happened to come across the solitary lamp again! And yet again, I felt a pang of grief. But this time I was hardly involved in the whole thing, at least emotionally. But perhaps, it was my roots, my origin that denied to be left out! It was a different feeling altogether. I was cautious not to let a tear roll down my cheeks, for then people might make fun of me!

Its hard to be an introvert and be emotional!

In Retrospect...

2007-09-30T00:48:00.005+05:30

Miss the night you called, miss the ecstasy of speaking to you.
Miss the anxiety and tension that would grip me before calling you.
Miss myself wandering, groping for topics while chatting with you.
Miss the sleepless nights, tears with your name etched on them.
Miss the pain of being far from you, the desire to meet you.
Miss my wavering confidence, excitement on my way to your city.
Miss the agony of your rejection, of the failure of my first love.

Strangely, in spite of all these, I hardly miss you any more.
What I miss more is being in love, for the first time in my life.

Click !

2007-09-23T22:13:00.000+05:30

Did this ever happen to you? Did you ever realize that the coming days, say the next month or two hold a lot in store for you? Did you ever find yourself overwhelmed with the uncertainty of the immediate future, so much so that you had, at some level, wished that you could take a peak at the other side of these few months? Or have ever you wondered if it was possible to magically breeze past these few months to land up somewhere in the future?

Well, it has happened to me, in the past. Again, its happening now! During the summer of 2007, I was doing my training in Motorola, Bangalore, and did not have the slightest idea about how to go ahead with the project assigned to me. All my coding and engineering skills seemed painfully inadequate and I feared, I might not even be able to start, leave aside reaching a satisfactory conclusion. It was then that I hoped to find myself on the flight back home. I had hoped to skip those two months of my life.

Now again, I face the same emotions. The future seems to be so dynamic, so animated that my life seems to be changing everyday, every moment. One fine evening, I would just browse through the net lazily, and the very next moment, all I would know was that my TOEFL was in two days time! I would then spend the night practicing speaking, reading and writing. As of now, I am expected to meet my guide shortly, and it does not need mention that I have hardly done anything satisfactory to report to him. I am expected to submit a big c code in an week. I am expected to mug up fifty odd word lists for my GRE that is due in a few days time. Also, lately, people had been getting words outside the word lists, which means, I need to take a peak at the other vocabulary guides also. My CAT is due on 18th November and my performance is still pathetic at the mocks. The placements start from the first week of December and I need to brush up my undergraduate knowledge. Not to mention the Puja Vacation amongst all these. And to add the last straw, now I am one amongst those red eyed people who roam about wearing black glasses! And these stupid bacteria plan to stay in my eye and cause rampage for the next few days. Its kind of good though, I finally realize the importance of having eyes!

All these seems so very overwhelming. I can't seem to even see the shore on the other side of the vast expanse of water. I just wish that I could skip this period to land somewhere in the beginning of January. I know I am talking like an escapist, but I am only human!

A Vacation

2007-09-23T08:19:00.000+05:30

One fine morning, you wake up and find your left eye closed! Yes, you just can't open it! At the first instance, it freaks you out, but a few moments later, you realize that you are among the chosen few to have caught something called conjunctivitis - an eye infection typical of Bengal in the month of September. It is so typical of this region that its local term is "jai bangla", literally meaning, "long live Bengal"!

So, then you rush to the toilet with one eye closed, kind of feeling like a pirate, and then try different means to open it. Around ten minutes later, you realize, it wont open any more than it already has, which means you will have a small, red, swollen eye for the next few days! Thereafter, you come back to your room and ask the "know all" (your PC) about the stupid thing. It, in a despondent tone, replies, "there is no cure of conjunctivitis, lest it cures itself, typically in 3-5 days time. Also this is highly infectious"! And in a moment, life is good again! How? Well, if it is infectious and going to last for 3-5 days, that means no more classes this week. And no more professors threatening de-registration. Also, no more Research Scholars complaining about your utter indifference towards your dissertation. It is in fact a week long vacation in your room with the love of your life, the compu!

Jai Bangla !!!!

Good Morning!

2007-08-16T07:00:00.000+05:30

It is 6:30 in the morning and I am awake. Awake in spite of the fact that, I slept at around 3:30 last night, awake in spite of the fact that, my alarm did not get a chance to scream today. I have a 7:30 class and had found myself looking up at my watch at six in the morning. Then, instead of falling back asleep, I had decided to get up!

Its nice, its nice to see the morning after such a long long time. Its nice to enjoy the serenity in the atmosphere, with people around you, all fast asleep. Its nice to see the red sun play hide and seek in the clouds, its nice to see the little sparrows getting disturbed by the sudden morning breeze, its nice to see the leaves of trees consoling the birds that their fluttered feathers actually look good on them, kind of bringing out their subtleness. Its perhaps the best start one can have to his day. I feel glad, I didn't fall back asleep.

Often, I wonder, why can't I have the world on my terms? I want to live in a place where its night when I decide to go to sleep, and its early morning when I decide to get up. I don't want stupid small clocks deciding what I should do and what I shouldn't! I want to get up early everyday and see nature flicking its magical wand to decorate itself. I want to get up early and watch the squirrels scurrying around. I want to see who wins among the sun and the cloud, in their childish play. I want to be a part of nature, to be free from the guilt that I, as all other human beings, have alienated myself from my very root. I want to go back to nature, I want to live freely, far far away from an artificial world!

My Tryst with "Matka"s.

2007-08-15T01:14:00.000+05:30

Matka - (mat' kaaaaaa.... ) 1. N. Master of Technology Students of IITs. Coined by the B.Tech (undergraduate) students of IIT Kharagpur.
2. Adj. Very Stupid creature, not necessarily human.

Warning: Calling any one "matka", specially if he/she is not one, might lead to loss of life or property. Also, as per the directive of the Supreme Court of India, the attacker (who was called matka, by mistake) cannot be prosecuted!

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the definition of "Matka". This term would have been included in Oxford dictionary long back, even before "lathicharge", but apparently, one of the person in charge of inclusion was a "Matka" once in IIT Kharagpur! Well, thus you can see that having IITians in top ranks world over is not always a pleasant thing!

My experience with "Matka" in IIT was so far restricted only to labs, where these creatures would take extreme pleasure to see us in trouble. And not many would disagree to the fact that lab hours could have been really enjoyable, but for these matkas. Its like, you are having your viva, and your professor has run out of questions and in a while, perhaps would have started asking nursery rhymes, when a matka barges in and starts asking stuff that, I bet, even he doesn't know! And you end up getting C in lab. Consider another case, when you have submitted a lab report, and in KGP, lab reports are prepared in the last moment, its not that we are lazy, but we take pride in the fact that we can complete magnanimous amounts of task in enviably short time, with the strained voice of Atif Aslam in the background reminding us of our distance from civilization, "dooooriiieeeee"! So, consider a situation where you have prepared a 10 page report in 30 minutes (well thats the time you get between lunch and lab!), with tables and graphs and crap. In the lab, with a sense of pride and self satisfaction, you submit the report. An hour later, a matka calls you (it took the matka one hour to figure out what you have written!) and says that, you did not put the scale in your graph, and you get a C, again!

But that was not it! In my final year, I had to take PG electives, that is, I would do my classes with the first year matkas (its a shame you cant ask for their "intro" or take their OP, now see, whats the fun without that?). And let me tell you, sincerely, from personal experience, Matkas are dull! They are, in some respect, even duller that George W. Bush! Firstly, they keep on standing up while answering or asking a question in a 30 strong class! They also keep standing up while giving attendance, and man! they attend classes every single day! Not Satisfied with these, the Matkas keep asking stupid questions in class, something that even a kid would figure out. Also, if a Professor does a mistake while writing a formula or an equation, it takes the Matkas full 10 minutes to figure that out, and once they do, they start shouting like crazy, as if in a race, who could point that out the fastest! I mean, grow up kids!

And lets not talk about their understanding of the subjects, some of them could even make Einstein look stupid, all they need is an aureole, and you could paint them and put those paintings up in a temple and worship! Once, a professor asked, how would you plot the probability density function of a sampled speech signal. Its very simple, really. You normalize the speech signal, break up the amplitude range into class intervals and go on ticking the proper class interval whenever you encounter a sample. At the end, you plot the curve! Leave aside answering to the professors question, half of the class raised their hands when the professor asked "who can't plot the pdf now?", after having explained the whole thing two times over! And to say, they are graduates in electronics engineering, or rather, they are electronics engineers!

Now I know, why graduates from IITs do not prefer to complete their Masters here. Its perhaps the aversion to the classrooms, where these matkas would once sit that drives them out after graduation, not only from the institute, but from the country altogether!

Disclaimer: Author does not intend to hurt the sentiments of any communities, other than Matkas, but since they are dull, they would take more than a year to realize that its them the author has written about! Also, for the readers who are dual degree students, the author wishes to clarify that they are not referred to as matkas here. Only the two year M.Techs are eligible for this grand title!

The Accused, The Trial and The Sentence...

2007-08-08T14:55:00.000+05:30

"... don't walk into my footsteps. It is a horrible and painful journey. "

Well, the journey so far hasn't truly being pleasant. Believe me, its very very painful. You feel lonely, even in a crowd of your friends and acquaintances. It seems as if anything and everything that is happy in your surroundings is mocking you. Every little incident, however unimportant it may be, reminds you of those pages of your past that you would prefer to tear off.

I don't mind the pain, really, because this is my punishment for being horribly mistaken. And as a student of communication engineering, I realize how much a wrong estimation is penalized. So, I have learnt to live with the pain. However, something that bothers me the most is, after completing my "sentence", how much will I change? And I don't see any good changes on the cards. I fear, this awful experience of mine will turn me into a cynic. Nowadays, when I see movies or read novels, and whenever I come across a happy event in any of them, my reaction is like, "huh! like that could ever happen!!" I now have problems in coming to terms with any good thing happening to any one, be it even me! I blankly stare at problems that I successfully solve, in disbelief - "Now how could that happen!"

I have no idea of what I will become after passing through this sentence, this stage in life. But all I know is, I will have only myself to blame for all this. How could I not foresee this, how could I not consider failure to this magnitude. May be because, I never imagined I would fail, for I even today fail to realize, where I was mistaken, where exactly I went wrong. In the trial, the prosecutor did not even care to turn up, leave aside speaking. It was only me and me alone, shouting, pleading, frantically running here and there. And then, I was sentenced!

I object ... Your Honor !!

The Nor'wester - A sonnet

2007-08-04T17:13:00.003+05:30

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
I would once wonder, I would contemplate
if it was just to see thee in the beauty of may,
for "thou art more lovely and more temparate"!
Alas! I would once summer's beauty defy -
drunk in thee, for thy to me was untiring;
eternal, even death to me would fail to deny.
li'l would I know, fate against me conspiring!
Now when I watch summers passing by,
I search thee in the bright sun, the skies fair.
Its then that I realize how foolish was I,
To think of thee as my golden summer.
No, in a summer's eve, only a nor'wester is thee,
that destroys everything - as thee hath destroyed me!

bye bye Bangalore

2007-07-06T11:39:00.000+05:30

5th of May 2007, I landed in Bangalore. The first thing that struck me was, when would I return, for this was a new place, an unknown land.

But now, on my last day of training, and with only a couple more days left in Bangalore, I fail to smile, I fail to feel the excitement I thought I would feel when I would wake up on this day. All I want to say now, good bye Motorola, good bye Bangalore. You gave me a lot, more than I expected from you. You made me forget my grief of missing an FT. You let me stay with the people I love and respect the most for these two months. You taught me cooking. You let me meet my somebody, after 3 long years. You gave me the courage to travel alone in a second class compartment for over two days, something I have never done and would not perhaps have done, if for you. You let me explore new places. You taught me what a city life is. Without you, without these 2 months, my life would have been a step away from completeness.

Thank you Bangalore.

Yet another blog

2007-07-02T18:36:00.000+05:30

Nopes, I am not new to this blogging culture, and neither did I delete my original blog yet again. Still, I decided to start over in a new blog, in a new way. Mostly because in my past blogs, I have concentrated on one particular topic. Because my other blogs contain some of my most intimate thoughts and experiences that cannot be shared with everyone. Its not that I was not happy with those, just that I wanted a more general blog that I could share with people. I wanted a more general blog where I could post the other aspects of life. Thus, the birth of "One amongst the crowd". Enjoy reading.