The support system

I don't know where to start, I don't know who to blame, who to curse! I just know that to blame somebody, curse somebody. I want to find the person or god or whoever came up with the idea of stupid support system. Apparently, you need a close set of people around you to survive. Most commonly, your support system consists of your closest set of people - your family, the person you love may be, may be a few friends.

How much you need your support system depends on you, and the situation you are in. A few people, the saints, don't even need a support system. They can pretty much survive on their own. The rest do need a support system, but to a varying extent. It depends on how much you allow yourself to be dependent on it. The catch, however is, once you start depending on your support system, you are pretty much screwed. It's extremely difficult to decouple.

The second factor is situation. The better the situation you are in, or the happier you are, the lesser you need your support system. Not sure if that's entirely true - you need someone to share your joy with. But what I am sure of is, when you are not in a great situation, when you are not particularly happy about things, you need your support system the most.

Now, sometimes, your support system fails. Well, they are human right? Like everyone else in this world, they have the right to sometimes behave a little selfish or self involved. Or may be, they too have the right to get involved in their own stuff, and stop caring as much about you.

The worst that can happen to you is, when you are going through a not-so-good phase, and your support system fails. That's the toughest situation you can be in. It's like holding your breathe, simply because you can't breathe. It's then that you find yourself completely helpless. All you can do at that point of time is, hope for things to resolve themselves. So that you can start breathing again, before you end up killing yourself!

So, that's my point right.. why the hell should you need a support system? No, don't blame yourself. Because your stupid creator created this stupid thing inside you. As a human, it's normal for you to seek out a support system. It's something that you are entitled to, it's something that you deserve.

All the best breathing!

Four months hence..

Four months have passed since I joined my job, four more since I have bid adieu to student life, probably forever. The last four months I have spent making desperate attempts to adjust in a new city, to bring myself to terms with the concept of working for a living. I have spent over 20 years of my life struggling to reach exactly where I am today. I have fulfilled (well, probably) every target, every goal I had set for myself so far. And yet, when I look back at the last four months, I find things as messed up as my thoughts are right now!

Why, what happened - I ask myself. Its been four months, and I am still struggling, not with loads of work, but with life itself. It seems like I was in a small pond till yesterday, and today suddenly, I am in this deep wide ocean. Its expanse, its depth, its restlessness is fearsome! The waves break my confidence, and then the next ones break the pieces into even smaller ones. I miss my confidence. When I think over my days in school, and more recently college, I realise that I have never felt so insecure. These days, I don't need a reason to feel bad, I just do! These days, I feel odd when I wake up, whenever it may be! I try hard to keep myself as busy as possible, with work or otherwise (I have traveled 3 out of the last 4 weekends), just so that I don't face myself. Because I don't like myself anymore!

This insecurity, this weirdness has obviously taken a toll on everything I do. While this almost ruined something valuable, its in the process of ruining another. The former, I could save, I don't know if I will be able to save this one. I know that I need to take a step back, think logically and try to identify what's going wrong. I have done that, and I could not find anything that's wrong. Probably I need company, probably I need to stop pitying myself, probably I need to grow up!

But whatever needs to be done, needs to be done fast! I can not let this stupid thing ruin my personal or professional life. All through till this day, I have really worked hard for what I have today, and I can not let a stupid kiddish phase ruin everything for me.

I Will Always Remember...

In the last term of MBA down here in Joka, everything around me seems to be testifying the fact that I have barely three months more to go here. Three more months of my college life, three more months of being a student, three more months of "life" at the most awesome b-school campus. Now that this stint is drawing to a close, I am supposed to write in 100 words what I will most remember of the last two years here. I thought about it, only to realize that 100 words is painfully insufficient!

So what will I remember of the last two years here? I will remember the fact that I had the best group of friends here. I will always be proud of the fact that I was a member of a group that didn't follow the herd and be content with criticizing the system, but took up responsibilities themselves and fought their best to set things right. This is essence instilled a similar spirit in me, which probably explains the three official PORs that I had held in Joka, apart from stuff that doesn't appear in one's CV. I will always remember living Gandhi's quote - "Be the change you want to see in the world."

I will always remember the fun, the parties and the great times we had. I will remember the nights on the water tank where we would discuss even the most obscure of topics, anything from Pluto to Communism! I will remember the countless trips to South City and Park Street and even to random places like China Town and New Market. I will remember the gelatos and the swirls, the Zingers and well, more Zingers, and of course, the movies at Fame! I will remember the bargaining with cab drivers while returning to Joka, and the one night when we actually walked some 12 odd kilometers back from South City at the middle of the night. I will remember how, both the years, we organised the first party with exchange students (even before the official one!).

I will remember the campus parties - the two fresher parties the most of them all. In the first one, I partied till sunrise, and woke up at 10 the next morning, only to realize that I was supposed to leave for home by 8! I will remember freaking out at the 17 odd missed calls from maa, and another 8-9 from Dad! I will remember how we partied till sunrise in the second fresher party (for the junior batch), and then went to the gate to have coconut water at 5 in the morning!

Will I remember the class hours? Well, probably not so much, but definitely a few incidents. The first one being the Behavioral Science project in the first term, where our group analyzed the movie Gandhi. The dynamics of the sort that the group had - I never got that in any other group project here! I will also remember the Marketing Management-II presentation on ethics in marketing, the heated debate where I ended up blurting out to a fellow classmate "what you are saying is essentially globe!" in the presence of a Prof! I will remember the law presentation in my fifth term, where I was barely prepared, and ended up just reading out the slides.

I will definitely remember being a student representative, and being the head of the Internet Solutions Group here! I will remember the General Body Meetings. I will remember organizing the convocation for our seniors. I will remember the lunch with the Board of Governors, and the Chief Guest - Mr. KV Kamath, the then Chairman and MD of ICICI Bank. I will remember the PGP Committee meetings, the course registrations and the open house! I will remember getting scared at the magnitude of problems and issues facing me on some of the days!

The list is endless, I could go on and on citing specific instances, each and every one of which had so much of learning in them, and each and every one of which would rightfully deserve a mention in the 100 odd words I have! But then, the bottom-line remains the fact that its just three more months, three more months of all these, of college life! God knows what kind of turn life would take after this. I can only hope it to be good!

Some Thoughts

Disclaimer: The following are entirely my perspective based on some of my own experiences. As a matter of fact, in most of the cases, I was caught on the wrong side of things! They may or may not be acceptable to every one. The author does not intend to hurt the sentiments of any of the readers.

1. Sometimes, we remain so engrossed in trying to define something, we just accept any definition we can lay our hands on; often without a second thought that the source, after all, is human, and thus may be wrong! In some cases, we are left wondering how much that wrong judgement cost us, while in others we fail to realise that we were actually wrong!

2. Sometimes, everything seems to go wrong, all at once! Probably, the worst of it all is, when your entire support system seems to fail; when the people you fall back on, well, don't seem yours anymore; when you can't count on those closest to you. This is probably when people turn to their "Gods", or more appropriately, the divine.

3. Zodiacs don't work for me. I tried following my zodiac predictions from various sources for the past couple of months. Out of every 100 odd predictions, less than 10 hold would hold true. I found the lunar cycle a much better predictor for human behaviour.

4. During an actual natural calamity, even the best of trainings seem to fail. I realised this a few days back when, during an earthquake a few days back, 6 of us - all MBA students, ran out to a hanging balcony on the third floor. The best strategy would have been to hide under a table!

5. A little knowledge is more dangerous than its thought to be. In fact, it probably can even kill people. And no, little knowledge is not the same as bounded rationality. While bounded rationality is a genuine limitation of the human mind, little knowledge is just the immediate resort of the lazy!

6. Old perceptions, misconceptions and stereotypes die hard. In fact, they don't die at all. Even today, for quite a few people living in the big metros of India, things like inter caste marriage, divorce and second marriages are a taboo. For some, even love marriages are no different. Similarly, old loyalties hardly change. Those who claim to have switched loyalties mostly pretend!

7. Not everything in life is a balance sheet. You don't always need to balance both sides. In fact, it is this attempt of making the left and right sides equal that has caused much of the suffering in this world. But then again, for those who had spent a better part of their life matching the red and the blue, it is very difficult to change!

8. You can't just run slower because "Life is a marble race". It's true that if you drop the marble, you don't win even after coming first. But then again, in your attempt to save the marble, if someone finishes before you, you end up looking like the same old idiot. Then nobody listens to stuff like "I could've run faster, but I was saving my marble!". The world is cruel, and your relations are nothing "out of the world", the earlier you understand that, the better for you.

9. Dawn and dusk are probably the best parts of the day (unless you are really into starry, moonlight nights - which I am, by the way). Just love it when the darkness gives away to light, or when the light is eaten up by yet another patch of the dark. Makes me wish I was a poet. But I generally miss both these moments, either thanks to my sleep or to my class schedule. Now that I have the "Marble Race Theory", I can probably skip a class or two to watch the sunset!

10. People don't change, they never do! If you feel somebody around you has changed, then you failed to understand him/her in the first place, or they are just pretending!

The Mumbai Diaries

Slot 0 summers, slot 0 summers – over!

The result – no PPO, i.e. by the unofficial standards – failed.

It’s a different question whether that no PPO was a product of my poor performance in the internship, or was it just the company that is in no mood to hire right now. It really doesn’t matter at the end of the day, because when some of my friends, some of my batch mates would be taking life by its horns with a PPO in their hand, I would have to sit in my room, studying, preparing for the finals, building CV points!

As I approach the end of my internship, life starts to look like a journey without a destination. The first few months of my IIM life was all about securing a good summer internship. The next few months went by looking forward to the coveted slot 0 internship that I bagged. During my internship, my first few weeks were spent looking forward to, apart from the internship itself, my return to Joka, to its carefree life. Now the internship is about to last just two weeks more. The return date to Joka has started looking more real. The internship chapter of my life is about to draw its conclusion.

I always knew this company does not give a PPO. I knew that right from the time I got selected. But that never struck me as a reality. Now, it seems to be looking into my eyes. The depressed market, the traditional absence of high paying finance companies from the final placements, my not-so-great CGPA (unlikely to become the so-great CGPA by the time of placements) make this feeling even worse. Would I land up with a good job? Would it pay me well? Would it me in a company and area of my interest? I don’t know, and I am really not optimistic about it.

It’s not just the job, it’s my entire life. What is your aim in life? I don’t know, I have never thought about it. In the rush of competitive exams and never ending milestones, I have never planned my life beyond a year. Now that I hardly have any more competitive exams to take, and with only a few milestones ahead, this thought has started bothering me again. What should I do with my life? Should I just take a job, and then hop to a better one, then to an even better one and so on? What is my dream job? What is my priority sector? (Not because it is “hot” and “glamorous”, but because I like it). What is my long term goal in life? Is it job? Or is it something else like academia or entrepreneurship?

I don’t know what has happened to me. I don’t know why I am thinking about all these things all of a sudden. May be because of the realization that I have already avoided these questions as much as I could, may be because now these questions demand an answer. I wish I could at least have a clue how to solve these riddles. But I have none. For the first time in my life, I find myself helpless. For the first time in my life, I have got nothing. I am broke!

At the other side of the year...

What date was it? 16th of June? or was it 17th? No, it was 16th, I am sure. The day I arrived at Joka. Yet another campus, yet another degree, yet another platform for battle. I remember, on that day my mind kept on drifting back to the past, my days in school, my days in college, my first day away from home, amidst total strangers. This is what I wrote in my journal that night:-

Today, on my first evening at the IIM campus, or at "Joka" as it is popularly known, memories flash by infront of my eyes. Memories of struggles. The sight of a kid sitting in a rented room in the rural Purulia. The image of that kid sweating in the scorching summer in power cut, but still studying. The memories of the kid getting nightmares of failures and jeers. And now that kid is sitting on another table and writing this.

So far, all I have learnt is, life is fair, irrespective of what people might say. People get exactly what they deserve - no more, no less. Those who work hard and still fail to succeed do so probably because they dont think well, or strategise hard.

Now, at the end of my first year in IIMC, I am more of a manager. I have seen a lot of difficult times in these months, times that have tested me, stretched me beyond my limits, leaving me to discover that they were not my limits after all. I have made new friends, I have learnt new ways to live life. Never in this last one year did I want all this to end, not once. Not even on days when I got no sleep for over 60 hours, not even on days when half the batch criticised my decisions as a student representative. I could find a learning in each and every situation this place put me through, and this explains how much of a value add this place has been to me.

Tonight is practically the last night for our batch as freshers. Yes, there are official deadlines, but then, not all things can be defined in an academic calendar!

Friday Night ...

As I lay on the roof on a chilly winter night, gazing at the lone star in the foggy sky, I thought about the last week and what it had taught me! The last week has been particularly interesting in my 6 month long stay in Joka. I had learnt some valuable lessons on both the positive and negative sides of human beings.

As of now, I hold two portfolios in my college - a member of the students council, and the head of ISG (the cyber group). ISG, from the very first day, has been an wonderful experience for me. ISG has given me something that I had always wanted - a chance to use my programming skills for the benefit of others. Now that I am the head, I have the opportunity to lead a group of very motivated people. Everyone in the college agrees that ISG is the most active group on campus! 

I saw the negative side as a member of the Students council.  I saw how dirty fights can get between people, I saw how people can bury their ethics in the graveyard of practicality. I saw how matters apparently personal become so big for people! At one point in time, I really wanted to quit. I would rather sit in my room, jobless, than handling all these!

But thats the fun with college. It exposes you to all kinds of challenges. It makes you ready for the world. It shows you a prototype of your life, something that you would lead for the next 40 or 50 or 60 years! So, as I lay up on the roof, watching the lone star, I thanked it for giving me this opportunity, this learning, this exposure. Friday night, huh !! 

डरपोक हो तुम

सच का सामना करने से बचते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

बस निर्दोष पे वार करते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

सामने आते नेही, छुप छुप के निशाना लगाते हो
कहते हो शेर का, पर चूहे का दिल रखते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

ग़लत करके भी ख़ुद पे गर्व करते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

इंसानियत को शर्मिन्दा करते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

अपनो से पूछो वे क्या सोचते हैं तुम्हारे बारे में
यही सोचते हैं, की बहुत डरपोक हो तुम

- Courtesy: Radio Mirchi

I let it go - again !!

I don't know whether I should praise myself for cracking a day 0 offer (the most coveted thing in my college), or whether I should criticize myself for once again going with the herd and neglecting what I really wanted. 

What did I want? Well, for over the last five years, I have wanted to be associated with the software industry, be it in the form of an engineer or a manager. And I have always found an excuse for denying myself that demand of mine. Be it because of a bearish IT industry or be it because of yet better options - each time I came close to fulfilling my dream, I have only moved farther away.

Lots of people in my college would probably kill for the offer that I have got, and that is my sole consolation, sole defence. But in doing so, I have missed probably my last chance to follow my dream. As of now, I am "successful" in worldly terms, but still my heart denies that accolade !!

The Last Chance

June 2004: JEE results are just out. I am thinking of choosing Kharagpur. But I am stuck at what stream to choose. With my rank, Computer Science and Electronics are the popular options. I kind of love programming and have exhibited my skills a lot of times. But is that enough to take up Computer Science? Specially with the failure of IT companies and reducing demand for IT and Computer engineers making news almost everyday for the last few years? No, it's too big a risk. Rather, let me take up Electronics. I might not like it, but atleast it is secure.

The Result: Barely an year later, I am trying to convince my dad that I am better suited for computer science and I should apply for a department change. Permission denied - You made the choice, no more changes!

8th December 2007, 3:30 a.m: I have received an offer from Adobe, one of the best computer companies in the world. So finally, I can do something I like. This is it, I won't even attend the IIM interviews if I crack CAT.

8th January 2008, 10 p.m: A friend - "Dude, you should totally go for the IIM interviews. Not everyone cracks CAT, and you can't let this go". 

My Dad - "Are you out of your mind? Who misses an IIM interview? Think of your career growth, security, prospects. It is totally your decision, but I think you should attend."

1st May 2008, 9:30 am: I have cracked IIMC interview. It sounds perfect, IIT-IIM, closer home, the best fin campus in the country, the IIM boasting of best placements last year, but what about my interest? My wingie - "you are mad! who rejects an IIM offer!"

1st June 2008: It's final. I have once more decided to overrule my interest for the "greater good". I have rejected my Adobe offer (today was supposed to be my joining) and am heading for IIMC. Cheers!

Today, 26th October 2008: Less than two weeks left for summers. I have a decision to make. Do I want to run behind the high paying I banks and Consultancies in Slot 0, or do I finally rectify my mistake and choose a profile from "less glamorous" companies like Yahoo or Microsoft? Do I, yet another time, run behind the best prospect? Or do I finally stand up for what I like and join something of my interest? I have a decision to make. And this is my last chance!