Four months hence..

Four months have passed since I joined my job, four more since I have bid adieu to student life, probably forever. The last four months I have spent making desperate attempts to adjust in a new city, to bring myself to terms with the concept of working for a living. I have spent over 20 years of my life struggling to reach exactly where I am today. I have fulfilled (well, probably) every target, every goal I had set for myself so far. And yet, when I look back at the last four months, I find things as messed up as my thoughts are right now!

Why, what happened - I ask myself. Its been four months, and I am still struggling, not with loads of work, but with life itself. It seems like I was in a small pond till yesterday, and today suddenly, I am in this deep wide ocean. Its expanse, its depth, its restlessness is fearsome! The waves break my confidence, and then the next ones break the pieces into even smaller ones. I miss my confidence. When I think over my days in school, and more recently college, I realise that I have never felt so insecure. These days, I don't need a reason to feel bad, I just do! These days, I feel odd when I wake up, whenever it may be! I try hard to keep myself as busy as possible, with work or otherwise (I have traveled 3 out of the last 4 weekends), just so that I don't face myself. Because I don't like myself anymore!

This insecurity, this weirdness has obviously taken a toll on everything I do. While this almost ruined something valuable, its in the process of ruining another. The former, I could save, I don't know if I will be able to save this one. I know that I need to take a step back, think logically and try to identify what's going wrong. I have done that, and I could not find anything that's wrong. Probably I need company, probably I need to stop pitying myself, probably I need to grow up!

But whatever needs to be done, needs to be done fast! I can not let this stupid thing ruin my personal or professional life. All through till this day, I have really worked hard for what I have today, and I can not let a stupid kiddish phase ruin everything for me.