The Last few days...

You have four years to be responsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a papaer due wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Party 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does!

I will miss KGP.

Words..

I have neer been so overwhelmed in my life. I have never had so many things going on around me. Or rather, I have never been involved in so many things at the same time! 

I have been through many tough situations - the nights I spent in the lab my fifth semester trying to optimize a circuit, the hours I spent in the back benches of Prof. RVR's classes trying to design a Time Division Multiplexer, or the days I tried hard to mug up words for GRE even though I had conjunctivitis in both eyes and I was having a really hard time to keep them open. 

But none of this was as tough, or as overwhelming as the current days are. I hardly recognize myself nowadays! I am a perfect geek! I spend my time either trying to obtain some results for my dissertation, or implementing some algorithm for a term paper, or worrying about my IIM results. At times, I can hardly breathe. 

I sometimes worry, where is this all leading me to? Is this how my life is going to be? Are these days a prototype of my years to come? 

God! I hope not!

A Loser's Diary

Caution: Long Post

Perhaps its natural of human mind to search for a tiny bit of success amidst a huge failure. Perhaps this is what inspired me for this post. Or perhaps, I could accept a defeat well, and had the courage to smile even after such a massive setback. Or may be, this is nothing but an attempt to deny that I am nothing but a loser!

Life has lots of colours, and in its varied facets, teaches a lot! It bestows you with limitless showers of success, sometimes even beyond your wildest expectations. At other times, it just shoots you down so hard that you take a long long time to recover. And so far what I have learnt from life is, it is only through those unexpected moments that you actually gain something, your reactions at those moments reflect who you are, how you are.

The Inter hall bridge tournament was scheduled last Saturday. I rate myself a pretty good player of bridge, at least, in the perspective of the Inter hall. But things did not roll out as they should have. In the very first match, one wrong discard of mine saw us lose three victory points. I felt bad, and thought that I will play well for the rest of the tournament. But hardly did I knew, the worse was yet to come.

In the second match, I messed up two very crucial boards. In the first one, I totally missed out my partners bid of 1 spade, and failed to lead spade in the opponents' No trump contract. A few boards later, a misjudgment on my part saw us lose even more points. After these two boards, I was responsible for my team having lost eight points!

I would never forget the moments after the second match. To know that you are taking the team down, that its you who is responsible for such unfortunate defeat of five other people is perhaps the worst feeling on Earth. My captain trusted me, my team trusted me, my juniors looked up to me with respect, the four hundred odd boarders of the hall put their faith in me, my seniors who taught me bridge expected me to play well. And I was letting them all down. I felt like crap! Its true that bad patches are a part and parcel of a players life. But then, why had it to be today! Why could not it be on the other day, when we played so well and came second in a BBO tournament! I just wished that I would be substituted. I could not take any more of this!

But I was not. I played the third match, did decent, but still we lost due to some mess ups in the other table. The fourth match saw me do some crucial mistakes which once again cost us dearly! And then I was substituted, and I did not play the other two matches.

We came third in the tournament, thanks to the last two matches where I did not play. At the end of the day, I lost my team a Gold, I lost my hall four points in the Sports GC. I was the villain, not that any one was saying that out loud, but then, it was the truth!

Well, not every thing went bad that day. I played the worst in my life - true! I messed up the tournament for everyone - true! I lost my hall some points - true! But then, I had the spirit and the integrity to hang on till the end, to shake the hands of the winners. I had the integrity to go up to the other guys of the team and wish them luck for the rest of the matches. I had the sportsman's spirit!

The captain (no fault of his though) was so frustrated by the end of the third match that he wanted to quit! I convinced him to play through the tournament. I spoke to the other players and tried to motivate them. I spoke to the other substitute and ensured that he did not feel bad for being dropped. Guess these also count. Guess, being a good sportsman, taking the game in the spirit of the game is something life taught me that day. And I am glad that I could pass the test.

So, I guess, this was my tiny little bit of success amidst the big failure!

RDG - The Director !!

Caution: Very Long Post!

Kharagpur is known for its Inter Hall, both famously and infamously! Famously because of the fighting spirit of each of the participants, the clever innovations and the awesome performances which can only be compared to the professionals. Infamously because of the dirty politics circumscribing almost every event and the fights, big and small, resulting out of the fierce competition among the halls. The Inter Halls sometimes get so fierce that people would not even mind killing their rivals, irrespective of the fact that the concerned may be their batch mates, dep-mates or even best friends.

When I entered as a fresher in my first year, and then in my hall in second year, I would just stare with awe at the Inter Hall performers. Heavily impressed and intimidated by their performances, I became sure of at least one thing, that I might never be able to participate in such an event. Even if I do, I would do well to forget the idea of playing a substantial part in any of them.

But then, college changes people - KGP, as a matter of fact, totally transforms its students. Who would expect the shaky-legged fresher - walking down the roads of the campus with his father, not even confident enough to travel in a train alone - would actually direct an entire play for the Inter Hall event in his final months? But then, this is the beauty of KGP. It does things to you. Things, totally out of your imagination!

Yes, I did direct a play, a Bengali drama. It was called - ekti obastob golpo - an unreal story, a basic comedy with a strong social message and a tragic ending. My knowledge of dramatics, before this, was limited to playing music in the background and acting as a tree in one of the other plays. Also, I was a member of the lights team in my second year, and hence, had a fair idea of the lights. Otherwise, as far as true acting was concerned, I was poorly trained. But then, where there is a will, there is a way.

When the captain summoned me to the rehearsals on the very first day, I was not sure exactly what to do. I knew that I would be playing music in the background again, as I actually did on the day of the play. I also was aware of the fact that being a final year, I would do well to help the captain conduct the whole thing, as we were poorly enriched as far as good actors were concerned. So I went in the common room on the first day, and just sat in a corner and started watching. Before I knew, I was rectifying the diction and the connotations of the actors. I was telling them how to throw the dialogs, in what pace, where to lay stress on, and what should the facial expression be while throwing them.

With me, there was Arnab, another fourth year guy, who was really working hard to ensure that the stepping of the actors and the stage plan was perfect. He was taking care to verify that one actor was not blocking another from view, that three or more actors were not standing in a straight line. He finally did a great job, and our stage movements improved beyond our expectations. Ironically, even this person hardly had a dramatics background. He participated in dramatics and choreography in his second year, and since then, had hardly been in touch. But then, KGP does weird things to you.

Our first setback came when an actor, who was supposed to do the role of the prisoner, had to back out owing to his department fest. Also, another good actor of our hall was down with jaundice. So, even before we started, we were down two! Nevertheless, we found alternates for them, with the captain - Sonal (a guy), taking up the role of the prisoner himself, leaving me and Arnab solely in charge of direction.

For the next few days, we worked hard with the actors. We went on trying to perfect their dialogs, their movements, and more importantly, their off-dialog reactions. We praised them, we criticized them, we even kicked them! KGPians themselves, they rose to the demands of the play and finally mastered their roles, presenting a flawless performance on stage.

Our next setback came a few days later. Initially, we were alloted first day - third slot, a perfect one. But then, one more hall decided to participate, and ours became the first day - fourth slot, the last one for the day. We ran into a mortal danger of the judges falling asleep! More so, we had decided on a acting intensive play, unlike other halls going for set-intensive or light-intensive ones. This meant that one must pay attention in order to understand and feel the play. But then, this situation was not in our hand, and we had nothing to do. A bit demoralized, but still undaunted, we carried on with the preparations.

"Being a Director sucks!!" - was my feeling on the last few days. For four days straight, I had slept for not more than 3-4 hours a day. Either I was at the rehearsals, or I was in my room planning the lights and the music, or I was with Sonal and Arnab discussing scenes and effects. On the penultimate day, we actually decided to type the entire script in Bengali in order to hand them over to the judges, a common practice. That took up another 5-6 hours. Those few days were a real test for tenacity, dedication and leadership skills. Having been through that period, I am now confident of facing any stress interview on Earth!

As the event drew near, I became more and more tensed. For the first time, I was responsible for an event of such a magnitude, involving over 30 people. Every minute of the last two days, someone would come up with a brand new problem - the title page of the judges script was creating some glitches, lights team member was confused was to who he should focus on in particular scene, an actor did not have black shoe, another did not have cotton trousers - and on my end, the soundtracks were still not ready.

It was around 6.30 in the evening on the final day - our play starting from 10.00. The sets were still to be ready. I was giving final touches to the tracks, when somebody noticed (thankfully) that we did not have an introduction for the play. I ran again to the Bengali creative writing captain (Khan) to get a passage ready, and then went to the Bengali elocution captain (Tuhin) and asked him to read it on stage. In the mean time, someone pointed out that(again, thankfully) that we would be needing a red cellophane paper for the lights team. I asked the lights captain, VD, whether he had one. He assured me that he would get one soon enough. Half an hour later, I called him again, only to realize that the secretary could not be located, and so, we still did not have the paper. Finally, the BTDS governor, Suman, saved the day, for he had some in his stock!

Finally when everything was done, the cast assembled in the common room, the lights team ready and even the extras all present, there was still a major glitch. One of the main actors, Shoni, playing the pandit in the play, had gone home early that morning to get some documents, and was still not back! It was 8.00 pm, and we had hardly an hour in hand before we had to proceed to the auditorium. All three of us, me, Arnab and Sonal, was psyched beyond measure. I was pacing up and down in front of the hall, praying that Shoni be back soon. Finally he was back, with around 40 minutes to spare!

Everything done and ready, with all the costumes and sets having received the final touches, with the entire "junta" ready in the common room, there was a last ritual, called "Omkara". In this ritual, the cast sat down in a circle, closed their eyes, and chanted "Om" in an attempt to pacify the disturbed mind before the play. Thereafter, we proceeded to the auditorium, completely ready with the cast, the lights and the sets - something that hardly seemed a possibility even an hour ago.

The final performance was, in a word, Great! It was flawless. The lights was perfect, successfully creating all the effects we desired. The sets were perfect too. Our main act of innovation, the hanging of the prisoner was so immaculately done that everyone present looked at awe. The acting, as I had already mentioned, was also perfect, with the cast performing even better than they did in the rehearsals. At the end, as the lights went off, with the Jailer shouting his last line, "Hang him till death", the whole auditorium burst into applause.

What followed was a massive "tempo-shout" (Kind of like an anthem for each hall), and then the refreshment at JCB Canteen. No ending could have been more perfect.

This was perhaps my most memorable event in the entire KGP life. My first Direction! Leading such a large group, coordinating with the other directors, with the captains, with the actors and lights and music and sets - it was a serious test and an wonderful experience. At this side of the event, I am a more confident person, a better leader and of course, a better Director! And now, I do have a certain experience in Dramatics!!

My Dream

All my life I had been struggling - struggling to chase targets, struggling to achieve goals, all perhaps as a part of some invisible "dream". I have toiled hard, sometimes sleeping hungry, sometimes not sleeping at all, sometimes working for even hours at a stretch without any rest, just so that I could reach some petty milestone that would lead me to my "dream"!

To be honest, I have never exactly known this dream of mine! But somehow I was sure, it would be something really good. Rather, at some level, I kind of hoped it would be something good, something acceptable, something enviable. The reason of such restrictions being perhaps the fact that the society has certain expectations from you. And take it from me, you would do better to comply with the expectations! All these years, I tried to "design" a "dream" that would satisfy the social "specifications". But then, targets can be designed, goals can be modified, but its really not that easy to manipulate dreams. Perhaps that is why, all these years, my dream would seem so hazy, so blurred to me.

One question, just for the records - is it important that my dream should necessarily involve my career? Frankly speaking, my dream never looked so very clear to me, ever in my life, as it today is. But it hardly has anything to do with my career. Whether I make it to the IIMs, whether I excel in my job or whether I become the first man to land on Mars, it hardly matters. Hardly matters in context of the dream at least. But then again, one big question, the society!

What would people say if I tell them that I want to have a beautiful garden, or I want to lose 20 pounds? I would either be labeled mad or a loser. Apparently, I am supposed to dream big! Like say, becoming the CEO of some xyz company. It is this uncertainty that seems to hold me back. I fear the society, I fear my parents, I fear the people around me, for I am only human. I fear that if I chase a dream not recognized by others, the reactions might be severe.

But then again, the dream seems so very obvious, so very distinct. I have never known my dream this better in my life. How can I ignore it so easily? And believe me, all those alchemist stuff seems to be just "gyan" at this point of time! And to add to my plight, this dream seems so very unfathomable. I mean, I know dreams are supposed to be out of your reach, they are supposed to look impossible, but then you see people realizing their dreams, at least in stories. And more so, I am used to achieving whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. True, they were not my dreams, but then, old habits die hard!

Just hope someday, I would have courage enough to boldly chase My Dream! And hope, it won't be too late by then!

Escapist !!

During the placement season, a panel asked a guy, "Cite an instance when you had to take a tough decision". The guy replied, "After my 12th, I cleared both IITJEE and ISI. I did not know which institute to join for my graduation". The person was rejected, one of the many possible reasons being the fact that he had cited an instance which could, in no way, be considered a "tough" decision, because all the options in front of him were "good", a win-win situation.

At that point, I mirrored the views of the panel, for a win-win situation can not be a tough decision. There are tougher cases, where you might lose something in each of the alternatives. But something that I did not consider, and perhaps neither did the panel, was the fact that the decision was not just about IIT and ISI. Not just about engineering and statistics. It was much much more. It was about what your parents expect and want from you. It was about standing up to your peers. A person who has spent a large part of his life with his head buried in books was suddenly expected to make the biggest decision in his life, without any heads up, without any previous knowledge, and he was expected to do well in that too. Still, the society says it was not a tough decision, and society is an honorable institution!

Why this change all of a sudden? Well because now I face a similar situation! I have just cleared CAT, one of the toughest entrances in India in the PG level and have got calls for interview from 5 of the 6 IIMs. Also, thanks to my IIT degree, I have secured a lucrative job in Adobe Systems India, one of the world leaders in Software Industry. I have even applied to some universities in US for admission to PhD. Now, I have to decide! What do I do? I am expected to come out with a list of my priorities. And the factors are not simply academic or financial. There are social implications, a lot of them. Some of my relatives are of an opinion that I am too young for a job and must go for higher studies. Others think, I am too old for studies and its high time I started earning something! My mother thinks I should go for a PhD - may be because "Dr. Rahul" sounds cooler than "Rahul". My father thinks I should go to the IIMs. Even if they offer only a diploma and not a degree, they are the best of their kind in India, and an IIM graduate would attract higher compensation than an IIT graduate. Some of my friends think ditching Adobe would be a blasphemy. As a result, I have a Java book open in my PC right now - in order to prepare for Adobe. A few tabs of Firefox stay dedicated to GDPI tips and tricks, while the others are university applications. I even have my Statement of Purpose open, receiving its final touches.

So I know what my parents, relatives and friends want. But something that I fail to understand till date is what I want. While in school, people told me to come to IIT, so I came. In IIT, people asked me to secure a top job, so I did. I saw others giving CAT, and learnt that I should give it too, I did, and I cleared. I was made to understand that I should definitely try for a PhD, as that is what a true engineer would do. So, I am trying that too.

Hence, what I do is not necessarily what I want to do. But what other options do I have? In an attempt to satisfy everyone, I have perhaps left behind my choice years ago. All I want to do now is to run away, far far away from all these madness, these rush, these demands. I want to live a free man, who does not give a damn to what others say and want.

Am I being an Escapist?

Confessions...

The first time you were walking away from her, and you saw tears in her eyes, you must have thought - oh, give it a break! It was you pestering me all these years, and now, its you who gets to shed the tears? Of all people on Earth, not you!

And then again, the next time, and the time after that, and many more times later, on similar occasions, when you notice the glittering eyes, when you hear the sobs she is trying to suppress so hard, when you see her covering her lips just to stop them from trembling, you think - Seriously! Every time? Grow up, its not the first time any more. And after all, this is what you wanted.

Whenever you hear her complaining about you being more committed to the outer world than to her, whenever you realize that she is hurt by the fact that you don't belong to her anymore, you get even more irritated! Well, you should have thought about it first, now that I have tasted the freedom outside, I am not coming back. And seriously, what is the big deal? You should be happy for me. What you have got is a dream of many.

Well, it is not entirely your fault. For you have not seen yourself laughing for the first time. You have not celebrated the day you sat up straight. You did not note the day when you first stood up clutching something. You did not teach yourself how to walk. You did not make up stories to put yourself to sleep every night. You did not have to bear the pain of scolding the person you love the most. Rather she did all these stuff, she did these for you. She is responsible for what you are today. She made you what you are. She saw you grow, step by step, inch by inch. She knows you the best, perhaps even better than you do. So, if she feels a bit weak to see you leave her, its not entirely her fault either. You can't really blame her, can you?

The Final War...

Caution: Long Post!

The battle is over. The battle whose beginning lies in the oblivion of my mind, the battle interspersed with many wars, a victory in each giving way to the next. The battle, the last war of which was the largest and deadliest.

In this age of competition, where people are practically running at a breathtaking speed to secure their livelihood, the first concern that a parent faces when a child is born is of his living. They leave out no straws to ensure that the child gets a good job, probably better than theirs' and lead a decent life when he grows up. And the preparation of this fight for livelihood starts at the very beginning, when the mother teaches the child A, B, C, D, or when the father tries to get the child an admission in the best Montessori. Then the wars come along one by one. The war of getting the highest marks in a subject, the war of terminal examinations in school, the war of standing first in class, these wars typically shape up the Childhood of a person and give way to his youth. At the dawn of youth, the person is exposed to something more challenging, the board exams, and then the college entrance tests, for these wars are vital for the battle.

Well, even I fought these stereotype wars. And my battle culminated with one single war, the largest of them all, the placements! In my previous post, I had spoken about placement pretty lightly. Well, I had taken it lightly till then, for I had an impression that for a electronics guy with a fairly good performance record, placements would be a piece of cake. But then, I finally felt some sort of pressure on the night before my first entrance into the arena. For the kgp junta, placements started from 3rd December. For me, it started from 4th, because I was not interested in finance companies or i-banks. On 4th, I applied in nVidia and Cisco Systems and qualified the written test for both. But the interviews were like nightmares. In nVidia, I was an idiot enough not to have solved the rest of the written paper before the interview. And in Cisco, I faltered even when asked the simplest algorithm. nVidia made its intention clear even before the results were out, and Cisco rejected me after first interview, bringing my first day of placement to an early end.

Dejected and demoralized, I took the next day off, i.e. the 5th. There were no core companies and I spent the whole day ramping up digital circuits, object oriented programming and C++. The next day, a confident me took the written test of Mentor Graphics and made it through to the interview. But again, I faltered at the interview, because they asked questions not from C++, but from C, and that too pointers and memory management. Also, my performance in the circuit questions were pathetic. Still, on the 6th night, I waited for the results till the dead of night, only to learn that another company had rejected me. Now, even more demoralized, even more dejected, and in the mortal fear of failing to secure a job at all, I walked back to my room at 3 in the morning to find that the test of SanDisk, is scheduled at 7 a.m!!

I slept for 2 hours, and then madly rushed through the books on analog electronics so that I would at least have a chance in SanDisk. Yet, I failed to clear the written test. Then, the next test scheduled was for Adobe Systems, a core Computer Science company. Initially, before the start of placement season, when I was shortlisting companies, I had included Adobe only half heartedly, not sure whether I would like to pursue a career in Software. But now, I hardly had any doubts in my mind. I appeared in the Adobe test, and am sure, scored full marks in the first two sections and fairly well in the next. Thereafter, I had my lunch and returned to my room at around 1.30 pm, only to learn that Magma Design had scheduled its test at 4 pm. I decided on a quick nap. At 3 pm, a placement representative called me up to inform that I have been shortlisted for Adobe interviews and need to be there by 3.30 pm. Dressing in formals were no more a new thing, and by 3.15, I was at the site. Also, to our great fortune, the Magma written test was postponed to 5 pm. So, I gave my first technical interview in Adobe, which went pretty well, I answered all questions related to algorithms and programming, but faltered in computer architecture. Anyways, I was called for a second interview at 6 pm. So I rushed for the Magma test. Magma was hiring for two profiles, hardware and software. God knows what happened to me, in spite of my hardware background, I appeared for software and qualified. Thereafter, I again rushed back for the second round of Adobe interview, which went like a dream. I never knew I could be this good. Then there was another round, in which I again faltered in architecture. Thereafter, there was a HR round, which went uneventfully.

After Adobe was over, I rushed back to Magma at around 11 p.m. My interview was scheduled originally at 1.30 a.m, but was later rescheduled to 11.30 p.m. The first interview went pretty well, because by this time, I was quite confident in software. I was asked for a second round, in which I answered all the questions asked. Finally, I returned to my room at 1 a.m, only to realize how hungry I am. So I went to cheddis and had some Maggi. At around 2 a.m, I again went to TnP to check the results. The Magma interviews were not yet over, so results were not out. But somebody told me, I was through in Adobe. It was unofficial, but still, unofficial stuff in kgp is more official than anything because of high student participation in the placement machinery. But yet I waited, only to find out, at 3 a.m in the morning, that the battle was finally over, the final war had finally been won! I was placed at Adobe Systems, posted at Noida!

I came back to my room and called home. My mother, worried as to what might have happened to force me call at such odd hours was the first to get the news. She asked me to get some sleep first and celebrate later. The next day, I woke up at 8 in the morning, and met the Adobe officials as is customary. Then, I submitted a declaration in TnP that I actually accept the offer. Thereafter, it was all silent, all lull! Quite contrary to what I have imagined the situation would be after I get placed. Then, I realized, I was standing like a lone winner in a battlefield, while most of the other soldiers were still fighting. And those who had won had already left.

So here is wishing all those soldiers who are fighting the biggest war of their life's largest battle a very best of luck. May you all get placed soon and prosper in your life.

On the eve...

So this is how it feels to see things materialize in front of you, things that you have once dreamt about, things that at one point of time demanded so much of your thoughts, influenced so much of your decisions, things that you have once lived for, things for which you could even lay down your lives, things that you have eagerly awaited since time immemorial. Yes, finally its placement season in kgp, something that every kgpian await eagerly, something that keeps a kgpian going even in the toughest of the days, be it working for days straight trying to complete an assignment or be it trying to digest the inedible shit in the mess. And today, as I write on the eve of the placement season, it seems as if I can see the dreams, hopes and expectations of a thousand young minds materialize in front of me.

Yes, I am in final year too, and will surely be trying to secure a job for me, preferably with a good salary and work profile. But then, all those dreams, those thoughts, those hopes, I don't seem to be able to find them. With placements around the corner, my sight seems to be fixed on something even further. All of a sudden, something that influenced my life till today, something that forced me to come to IIT, seems to have become meaningless, inconsequent. Three odd years ago, on this very day, I would be sitting in my room, wondering when I would get placed, when I would be able to lead an independent, secured life. Stuff that appeared to be everything that day seems to be hardly of any importance now. For today, I hardly care for jobs. I seem to be more concerned about what would happen to my applications in the universities, whether I would get through CAT, whether I would be able to publish a paper before I leave IIT.

Guess this is life. No body ever seem to be consented with what they have achieved or even with what seems achievable to them. While this sure is a sign of the ever progressing mankind, one can not deny the sense of insecurity, depression and agony this brings along. And when ever you try to stop, to protest, you are silenced by some cheesy quotes from some motivating poetry, stuff like, "rest if you must, but don't you quit"!

Moving on...

Did you ever have to move on? Were you ever asked to get over somebody or something? Were you ever asked to forget something that in your recent occupied a large portion of your life? Did you ever fail, and in an attempt to recover from that failure and stand up to face the world, try to surgically remove all memories of that particular person or thing from your mind? Well, if your answer to any of these questions is an "yes", then you know what moving on is.

Well, for others, moving on is not that easy as is shown in series and movies. Consider a mild example. You are trying hard to get through an exam. You devote every single minute of every single day of say an year in its preparations. Then, on the final day, something goes wrong. That's when you try to move on, try to forget the failure and regain your motivation, for that's supposedly not the end of the world. Again, this is a very mild example, but even this moving on is not easy.

Consider another case. You like a girl. You have had a crush on her for, say, a long long time. All these years, all these days, that girl formed a large part of your life, influencing things as great as your decisions and your career to as minute as your handwriting! Then, one day, may be in desperation, you let her know your feelings. She responds saying that she has no such feelings for you and asks you to "get over" her. You take a full 24 hours to realize that the part of your life that influenced you to such a great extent for years does not exist any more, and you are left with the task of "moving on". I won't even try to describe the agony, for my knowledge of the language would fail to provide it justice.

But then, one day, you realize you have finally moved on, may be after a few months. And in this few months, you have had a variety of feelings. Sometimes, you have been frustrated at how worthless you are. At other times you felt confident that she was not right for you. Sometimes, you had been insanely angry at her. At other times, you been in love with her so much that you felt you could lay down your life for her. Sometimes, you wished you could be friends, very good friends, in the true spirit of friendship. At other times, you hoped never to see her again.

However, after finally moving on, you reach a stable state. You are neither angry, nor are you in love with her. You don't think yourself as worthless, neither do you think her below your standards. And as for friendship, she would be just like the scores of other friends you have, not your best friends, the "other" ones. Also, as a side effect perhaps, you form this skewed opinion about relations and commitments. All these appears to be bullshit, meaningless, time pass stuff. You don't even seem to remember how you got trapped into this stupid thing yourself. And as of the present day, you pledge to remain single forever, you pledge not to approach another girl professing your "love", you pledge to remain sensible and rational till the end of time.