27 December 2008

Friday Night ...

As I lay on the roof on a chilly winter night, gazing at the lone star in the foggy sky, I thought about the last week and what it had taught me! The last week has been particularly interesting in my 6 month long stay in Joka. I had learnt some valuable lessons on both the positive and negative sides of human beings.

As of now, I hold two portfolios in my college - a member of the students council, and the head of ISG (the cyber group). ISG, from the very first day, has been an wonderful experience for me. ISG has given me something that I had always wanted - a chance to use my programming skills for the benefit of others. Now that I am the head, I have the opportunity to lead a group of very motivated people. Everyone in the college agrees that ISG is the most active group on campus! 

I saw the negative side as a member of the Students council.  I saw how dirty fights can get between people, I saw how people can bury their ethics in the graveyard of practicality. I saw how matters apparently personal become so big for people! At one point in time, I really wanted to quit. I would rather sit in my room, jobless, than handling all these!

But thats the fun with college. It exposes you to all kinds of challenges. It makes you ready for the world. It shows you a prototype of your life, something that you would lead for the next 40 or 50 or 60 years! So, as I lay up on the roof, watching the lone star, I thanked it for giving me this opportunity, this learning, this exposure. Friday night, huh !! 

29 November 2008

डरपोक हो तुम

सच का सामना करने से बचते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

बस निर्दोष पे वार करते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

सामने आते नेही, छुप छुप के निशाना लगाते हो
कहते हो शेर का, पर चूहे का दिल रखते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

ग़लत करके भी ख़ुद पे गर्व करते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

इंसानियत को शर्मिन्दा करते हो तुम
जो भी हो डरपोक हो तुम

अपनो से पूछो वे क्या सोचते हैं तुम्हारे बारे में
यही सोचते हैं, की बहुत डरपोक हो तुम

- Courtesy: Radio Mirchi

16 November 2008

I let it go - again !!

I don't know whether I should praise myself for cracking a day 0 offer (the most coveted thing in my college), or whether I should criticize myself for once again going with the herd and neglecting what I really wanted. 

What did I want? Well, for over the last five years, I have wanted to be associated with the software industry, be it in the form of an engineer or a manager. And I have always found an excuse for denying myself that demand of mine. Be it because of a bearish IT industry or be it because of yet better options - each time I came close to fulfilling my dream, I have only moved farther away.

Lots of people in my college would probably kill for the offer that I have got, and that is my sole consolation, sole defence. But in doing so, I have missed probably my last chance to follow my dream. As of now, I am "successful" in worldly terms, but still my heart denies that accolade !!

26 October 2008

The Last Chance

June 2004: JEE results are just out. I am thinking of choosing Kharagpur. But I am stuck at what stream to choose. With my rank, Computer Science and Electronics are the popular options. I kind of love programming and have exhibited my skills a lot of times. But is that enough to take up Computer Science? Specially with the failure of IT companies and reducing demand for IT and Computer engineers making news almost everyday for the last few years? No, it's too big a risk. Rather, let me take up Electronics. I might not like it, but atleast it is secure.

The Result: Barely an year later, I am trying to convince my dad that I am better suited for computer science and I should apply for a department change. Permission denied - You made the choice, no more changes!

8th December 2007, 3:30 a.m: I have received an offer from Adobe, one of the best computer companies in the world. So finally, I can do something I like. This is it, I won't even attend the IIM interviews if I crack CAT.

8th January 2008, 10 p.m: A friend - "Dude, you should totally go for the IIM interviews. Not everyone cracks CAT, and you can't let this go". 
My Dad - "Are you out of your mind? Who misses an IIM interview? Think of your career growth, security, prospects. It is totally your decision, but I think you should attend."

1st May 2008, 9:30 am: I have cracked IIMC interview. It sounds perfect, IIT-IIM, closer home, the best fin campus in the country, the IIM boasting of best placements last year, but what about my interest? My wingie - "you are mad! who rejects an IIM offer!"

1st June 2008: It's final. I have once more decided to overrule my interest for the "greater good". I have rejected my Adobe offer (today was supposed to be my joining) and am heading for IIMC. Cheers!

Today, 26th October 2008: Less than two weeks left for summers. I have a decision to make. Do I want to run behind the high paying I banks and Consultancies in Slot 0, or do I finally rectify my mistake and choose a profile from "less glamorous" companies like Yahoo or Microsoft? Do I, yet another time, run behind the best prospect? Or do I finally stand up for what I like and join something of my interest? I have a decision to make. And this is my last chance!


28 May 2008

Adieu kgp...

Time flies when you are having fun...


In the Orientation on the very first day at Netaji Auditorium, somebody said, "today you might not realize, but when the day dons for you to walk out of this institute, you will feel bad". I really did not realize that day, but I sure did not differ. I am glad I did not.

With less than a little more than thirty hours left in kgp, when I write this, I feel a strange kind of attraction with this place. There has been a lot of moments, when I thought that being an IIT, this institute could really incorporate some changes in this field or that. I have passed through days when the work load has been so high, or situations have been so against me that I felt like jumping off my balcony. There has been classes more painful than perhaps crucification, exams more deadly than devil, or grades wildly dissatisfying.

In spite of all this, today, as I stand at the brink of what can be safely termed as an era, I feel sad. I feel sad to be leaving this place. In two days time, KGP will become history for me, would go down the galleries along with Purulia, my school and my classmates. Still it seems like yesterday that I walked in the campus for the first time with my father. Still it seems like yesterday that I met Bayen, Sougata, Sonal, Arijit, Siddhartha, VD, Sausi - the list continues. All those memories of treats, of night outs, of chats and gossips, of mischiefs seem so fresh. But as of today, all I know is, someday I will probably come back to kgp again, or perhaps I won't. The worst part is - all these people who have been kind of my family all these years - meeting them would have to be left to "chance".

I would not belabor about what IIT has given me, for it can't be expressed in words. I came in as a boy, and the day after tomorrow, I will walk out as a man, a Graduate. I have seen failure as I have seen success, I have seen sorrow as I have seen joy, I have seen betrayal as I have seen loyalty. IIT has made me ready for the world. I am confident and equipped as I have never been before.

Its late night, and I do feel sleepy. But I don't want to sleep. I want to live these last moments in kgp to the fullest. I want to capture each and every second and want to permanently fix them in my memory, till the day I breathe my last.

17 April 2008

The Last few days...

You have four years to be responsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a papaer due wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Party 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does!

I will miss KGP.


09 April 2008

Words..

I have neer been so overwhelmed in my life. I have never had so many things going on around me. Or rather, I have never been involved in so many things at the same time! 

I have been through many tough situations - the nights I spent in the lab my fifth semester trying to optimize a circuit, the hours I spent in the back benches of Prof. RVR's classes trying to design a Time Division Multiplexer, or the days I tried hard to mug up words for GRE even though I had conjunctivitis in both eyes and I was having a really hard time to keep them open. 

But none of this was as tough, or as overwhelming as the current days are. I hardly recognize myself nowadays! I am a perfect geek! I spend my time either trying to obtain some results for my dissertation, or implementing some algorithm for a term paper, or worrying about my IIM results. At times, I can hardly breathe. 

I sometimes worry, where is this all leading me to? Is this how my life is going to be? Are these days a prototype of my years to come? 

God! I hope not!

30 March 2008

A Loser's Diary

Caution: Long Post

Perhaps its natural of human mind to search for a tiny bit of success amidst a huge failure. Perhaps this is what inspired me for this post. Or perhaps, I could accept a defeat well, and had the courage to smile even after such a massive setback. Or may be, this is nothing but an attempt to deny that I am nothing but a loser!

Life has lots of colours, and in its varied facets, teaches a lot! It bestows you with limitless showers of success, sometimes even beyond your wildest expectations. At other times, it just shoots you down so hard that you take a long long time to recover. And so far what I have learnt from life is, it is only through those unexpected moments that you actually gain something, your reactions at those moments reflect who you are, how you are.

The Inter hall bridge tournament was scheduled last Saturday. I rate myself a pretty good player of bridge, at least, in the perspective of the Inter hall. But things did not roll out as they should have. In the very first match, one wrong discard of mine saw us lose three victory points. I felt bad, and thought that I will play well for the rest of the tournament. But hardly did I knew, the worse was yet to come.

In the second match, I messed up two very crucial boards. In the first one, I totally missed out my partners bid of 1 spade, and failed to lead spade in the opponents' No trump contract. A few boards later, a misjudgment on my part saw us lose even more points. After these two boards, I was responsible for my team having lost eight points!

I would never forget the moments after the second match. To know that you are taking the team down, that its you who is responsible for such unfortunate defeat of five other people is perhaps the worst feeling on Earth. My captain trusted me, my team trusted me, my juniors looked up to me with respect, the four hundred odd boarders of the hall put their faith in me, my seniors who taught me bridge expected me to play well. And I was letting them all down. I felt like crap! Its true that bad patches are a part and parcel of a players life. But then, why had it to be today! Why could not it be on the other day, when we played so well and came second in a BBO tournament! I just wished that I would be substituted. I could not take any more of this!

But I was not. I played the third match, did decent, but still we lost due to some mess ups in the other table. The fourth match saw me do some crucial mistakes which once again cost us dearly! And then I was substituted, and I did not play the other two matches.

We came third in the tournament, thanks to the last two matches where I did not play. At the end of the day, I lost my team a Gold, I lost my hall four points in the Sports GC. I was the villain, not that any one was saying that out loud, but then, it was the truth!

Well, not every thing went bad that day. I played the worst in my life - true! I messed up the tournament for everyone - true! I lost my hall some points - true! But then, I had the spirit and the integrity to hang on till the end, to shake the hands of the winners. I had the integrity to go up to the other guys of the team and wish them luck for the rest of the matches. I had the sportsman's spirit!

The captain (no fault of his though) was so frustrated by the end of the third match that he wanted to quit! I convinced him to play through the tournament. I spoke to the other players and tried to motivate them. I spoke to the other substitute and ensured that he did not feel bad for being dropped. Guess these also count. Guess, being a good sportsman, taking the game in the spirit of the game is something life taught me that day. And I am glad that I could pass the test.

So, I guess, this was my tiny little bit of success amidst the big failure!

11 March 2008

RDG - The Director !!

Caution: Very Long Post!

Kharagpur is known for its Inter Hall, both famously and infamously! Famously because of the fighting spirit of each of the participants, the clever innovations and the awesome performances which can only be compared to the professionals. Infamously because of the dirty politics circumscribing almost every event and the fights, big and small, resulting out of the fierce competition among the halls. The Inter Halls sometimes get so fierce that people would not even mind killing their rivals, irrespective of the fact that the concerned may be their batch mates, dep-mates or even best friends.

When I entered as a fresher in my first year, and then in my hall in second year, I would just stare with awe at the Inter Hall performers. Heavily impressed and intimidated by their performances, I became sure of at least one thing, that I might never be able to participate in such an event. Even if I do, I would do well to forget the idea of playing a substantial part in any of them.

But then, college changes people - KGP, as a matter of fact, totally transforms its students. Who would expect the shaky-legged fresher - walking down the roads of the campus with his father, not even confident enough to travel in a train alone - would actually direct an entire play for the Inter Hall event in his final months? But then, this is the beauty of KGP. It does things to you. Things, totally out of your imagination!

Yes, I did direct a play, a Bengali drama. It was called - ekti obastob golpo - an unreal story, a basic comedy with a strong social message and a tragic ending. My knowledge of dramatics, before this, was limited to playing music in the background and acting as a tree in one of the other plays. Also, I was a member of the lights team in my second year, and hence, had a fair idea of the lights. Otherwise, as far as true acting was concerned, I was poorly trained. But then, where there is a will, there is a way.

When the captain summoned me to the rehearsals on the very first day, I was not sure exactly what to do. I knew that I would be playing music in the background again, as I actually did on the day of the play. I also was aware of the fact that being a final year, I would do well to help the captain conduct the whole thing, as we were poorly enriched as far as good actors were concerned. So I went in the common room on the first day, and just sat in a corner and started watching. Before I knew, I was rectifying the diction and the connotations of the actors. I was telling them how to throw the dialogs, in what pace, where to lay stress on, and what should the facial expression be while throwing them.

With me, there was Arnab, another fourth year guy, who was really working hard to ensure that the stepping of the actors and the stage plan was perfect. He was taking care to verify that one actor was not blocking another from view, that three or more actors were not standing in a straight line. He finally did a great job, and our stage movements improved beyond our expectations. Ironically, even this person hardly had a dramatics background. He participated in dramatics and choreography in his second year, and since then, had hardly been in touch. But then, KGP does weird things to you.

Our first setback came when an actor, who was supposed to do the role of the prisoner, had to back out owing to his department fest. Also, another good actor of our hall was down with jaundice. So, even before we started, we were down two! Nevertheless, we found alternates for them, with the captain - Sonal (a guy), taking up the role of the prisoner himself, leaving me and Arnab solely in charge of direction.

For the next few days, we worked hard with the actors. We went on trying to perfect their dialogs, their movements, and more importantly, their off-dialog reactions. We praised them, we criticized them, we even kicked them! KGPians themselves, they rose to the demands of the play and finally mastered their roles, presenting a flawless performance on stage.

Our next setback came a few days later. Initially, we were alloted first day - third slot, a perfect one. But then, one more hall decided to participate, and ours became the first day - fourth slot, the last one for the day. We ran into a mortal danger of the judges falling asleep! More so, we had decided on a acting intensive play, unlike other halls going for set-intensive or light-intensive ones. This meant that one must pay attention in order to understand and feel the play. But then, this situation was not in our hand, and we had nothing to do. A bit demoralized, but still undaunted, we carried on with the preparations.

"Being a Director sucks!!" - was my feeling on the last few days. For four days straight, I had slept for not more than 3-4 hours a day. Either I was at the rehearsals, or I was in my room planning the lights and the music, or I was with Sonal and Arnab discussing scenes and effects. On the penultimate day, we actually decided to type the entire script in Bengali in order to hand them over to the judges, a common practice. That took up another 5-6 hours. Those few days were a real test for tenacity, dedication and leadership skills. Having been through that period, I am now confident of facing any stress interview on Earth!

As the event drew near, I became more and more tensed. For the first time, I was responsible for an event of such a magnitude, involving over 30 people. Every minute of the last two days, someone would come up with a brand new problem - the title page of the judges script was creating some glitches, lights team member was confused was to who he should focus on in particular scene, an actor did not have black shoe, another did not have cotton trousers - and on my end, the soundtracks were still not ready.

It was around 6.30 in the evening on the final day - our play starting from 10.00. The sets were still to be ready. I was giving final touches to the tracks, when somebody noticed (thankfully) that we did not have an introduction for the play. I ran again to the Bengali creative writing captain (Khan) to get a passage ready, and then went to the Bengali elocution captain (Tuhin) and asked him to read it on stage. In the mean time, someone pointed out that(again, thankfully) that we would be needing a red cellophane paper for the lights team. I asked the lights captain, VD, whether he had one. He assured me that he would get one soon enough. Half an hour later, I called him again, only to realize that the secretary could not be located, and so, we still did not have the paper. Finally, the BTDS governor, Suman, saved the day, for he had some in his stock!

Finally when everything was done, the cast assembled in the common room, the lights team ready and even the extras all present, there was still a major glitch. One of the main actors, Shoni, playing the pandit in the play, had gone home early that morning to get some documents, and was still not back! It was 8.00 pm, and we had hardly an hour in hand before we had to proceed to the auditorium. All three of us, me, Arnab and Sonal, was psyched beyond measure. I was pacing up and down in front of the hall, praying that Shoni be back soon. Finally he was back, with around 40 minutes to spare!

Everything done and ready, with all the costumes and sets having received the final touches, with the entire "junta" ready in the common room, there was a last ritual, called "Omkara". In this ritual, the cast sat down in a circle, closed their eyes, and chanted "Om" in an attempt to pacify the disturbed mind before the play. Thereafter, we proceeded to the auditorium, completely ready with the cast, the lights and the sets - something that hardly seemed a possibility even an hour ago.

The final performance was, in a word, Great! It was flawless. The lights was perfect, successfully creating all the effects we desired. The sets were perfect too. Our main act of innovation, the hanging of the prisoner was so immaculately done that everyone present looked at awe. The acting, as I had already mentioned, was also perfect, with the cast performing even better than they did in the rehearsals. At the end, as the lights went off, with the Jailer shouting his last line, "Hang him till death", the whole auditorium burst into applause.

What followed was a massive "tempo-shout" (Kind of like an anthem for each hall), and then the refreshment at JCB Canteen. No ending could have been more perfect.

This was perhaps my most memorable event in the entire KGP life. My first Direction! Leading such a large group, coordinating with the other directors, with the captains, with the actors and lights and music and sets - it was a serious test and an wonderful experience. At this side of the event, I am a more confident person, a better leader and of course, a better Director! And now, I do have a certain experience in Dramatics!!

03 February 2008

My Dream

All my life I had been struggling - struggling to chase targets, struggling to achieve goals, all perhaps as a part of some invisible "dream". I have toiled hard, sometimes sleeping hungry, sometimes not sleeping at all, sometimes working for even hours at a stretch without any rest, just so that I could reach some petty milestone that would lead me to my "dream"!

To be honest, I have never exactly known this dream of mine! But somehow I was sure, it would be something really good. Rather, at some level, I kind of hoped it would be something good, something acceptable, something enviable. The reason of such restrictions being perhaps the fact that the society has certain expectations from you. And take it from me, you would do better to comply with the expectations! All these years, I tried to "design" a "dream" that would satisfy the social "specifications". But then, targets can be designed, goals can be modified, but its really not that easy to manipulate dreams. Perhaps that is why, all these years, my dream would seem so hazy, so blurred to me.

One question, just for the records - is it important that my dream should necessarily involve my career? Frankly speaking, my dream never looked so very clear to me, ever in my life, as it today is. But it hardly has anything to do with my career. Whether I make it to the IIMs, whether I excel in my job or whether I become the first man to land on Mars, it hardly matters. Hardly matters in context of the dream at least. But then again, one big question, the society!

What would people say if I tell them that I want to have a beautiful garden, or I want to lose 20 pounds? I would either be labeled mad or a loser. Apparently, I am supposed to dream big! Like say, becoming the CEO of some xyz company. It is this uncertainty that seems to hold me back. I fear the society, I fear my parents, I fear the people around me, for I am only human. I fear that if I chase a dream not recognized by others, the reactions might be severe.

But then again, the dream seems so very obvious, so very distinct. I have never known my dream this better in my life. How can I ignore it so easily? And believe me, all those alchemist stuff seems to be just "gyan" at this point of time! And to add to my plight, this dream seems so very unfathomable. I mean, I know dreams are supposed to be out of your reach, they are supposed to look impossible, but then you see people realizing their dreams, at least in stories. And more so, I am used to achieving whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. True, they were not my dreams, but then, old habits die hard!

Just hope someday, I would have courage enough to boldly chase My Dream! And hope, it won't be too late by then!

12 January 2008

Escapist !!

During the placement season, a panel asked a guy, "Cite an instance when you had to take a tough decision". The guy replied, "After my 12th, I cleared both IITJEE and ISI. I did not know which institute to join for my graduation". The person was rejected, one of the many possible reasons being the fact that he had cited an instance which could, in no way, be considered a "tough" decision, because all the options in front of him were "good", a win-win situation.

At that point, I mirrored the views of the panel, for a win-win situation can not be a tough decision. There are tougher cases, where you might lose something in each of the alternatives. But something that I did not consider, and perhaps neither did the panel, was the fact that the decision was not just about IIT and ISI. Not just about engineering and statistics. It was much much more. It was about what your parents expect and want from you. It was about standing up to your peers. A person who has spent a large part of his life with his head buried in books was suddenly expected to make the biggest decision in his life, without any heads up, without any previous knowledge, and he was expected to do well in that too. Still, the society says it was not a tough decision, and society is an honorable institution!

Why this change all of a sudden? Well because now I face a similar situation! I have just cleared CAT, one of the toughest entrances in India in the PG level and have got calls for interview from 5 of the 6 IIMs. Also, thanks to my IIT degree, I have secured a lucrative job in Adobe Systems India, one of the world leaders in Software Industry. I have even applied to some universities in US for admission to PhD. Now, I have to decide! What do I do? I am expected to come out with a list of my priorities. And the factors are not simply academic or financial. There are social implications, a lot of them. Some of my relatives are of an opinion that I am too young for a job and must go for higher studies. Others think, I am too old for studies and its high time I started earning something! My mother thinks I should go for a PhD - may be because "Dr. Rahul" sounds cooler than "Rahul". My father thinks I should go to the IIMs. Even if they offer only a diploma and not a degree, they are the best of their kind in India, and an IIM graduate would attract higher compensation than an IIT graduate. Some of my friends think ditching Adobe would be a blasphemy. As a result, I have a Java book open in my PC right now - in order to prepare for Adobe. A few tabs of Firefox stay dedicated to GDPI tips and tricks, while the others are university applications. I even have my Statement of Purpose open, receiving its final touches.

So I know what my parents, relatives and friends want. But something that I fail to understand till date is what I want. While in school, people told me to come to IIT, so I came. In IIT, people asked me to secure a top job, so I did. I saw others giving CAT, and learnt that I should give it too, I did, and I cleared. I was made to understand that I should definitely try for a PhD, as that is what a true engineer would do. So, I am trying that too.

Hence, what I do is not necessarily what I want to do. But what other options do I have? In an attempt to satisfy everyone, I have perhaps left behind my choice years ago. All I want to do now is to run away, far far away from all these madness, these rush, these demands. I want to live a free man, who does not give a damn to what others say and want.

Am I being an Escapist?

04 January 2008

Confessions...

The first time you were walking away from her, and you saw tears in her eyes, you must have thought - oh, give it a break! It was you pestering me all these years, and now, its you who gets to shed the tears? Of all people on Earth, not you!

And then again, the next time, and the time after that, and many more times later, on similar occasions, when you notice the glittering eyes, when you hear the sobs she is trying to suppress so hard, when you see her covering her lips just to stop them from trembling, you think - Seriously! Every time? Grow up, its not the first time any more. And after all, this is what you wanted.

Whenever you hear her complaining about you being more committed to the outer world than to her, whenever you realize that she is hurt by the fact that you don't belong to her anymore, you get even more irritated! Well, you should have thought about it first, now that I have tasted the freedom outside, I am not coming back. And seriously, what is the big deal? You should be happy for me. What you have got is a dream of many.

Well, it is not entirely your fault. For you have not seen yourself laughing for the first time. You have not celebrated the day you sat up straight. You did not note the day when you first stood up clutching something. You did not teach yourself how to walk. You did not make up stories to put yourself to sleep every night. You did not have to bear the pain of scolding the person you love the most. Rather she did all these stuff, she did these for you. She is responsible for what you are today. She made you what you are. She saw you grow, step by step, inch by inch. She knows you the best, perhaps even better than you do. So, if she feels a bit weak to see you leave her, its not entirely her fault either. You can't really blame her, can you?